Let down your walls

I'm sitting here on a plane while the sunset races me home to Denver, listening to Rend sing the song "sing my soul" and reflecting on this past week. He begins the song with a prayer to say "Lord we open up our hearts to you, we let down our walls..." And that feels like the theme of this season that we are walking into. The song is super awesome and you should go listen to it on spotify if you're smart enough to know how that works (I'm not ha!) but it seems like The Lord is speaking into mine and Christians life "LET DOWN YOUR WALLS."

That's a scary place to be really. We all have a tendency to build walls don't we? When someone hurts us...when life is tough...when you're insecure and just feel raw emotionally. It's natural to try to "be tough" and "suck it up", right? Is this only me??? 

Oh man, I remember when I first got saved and I was just fresh out of drugs and all that the world was to me and I was just so free! I was free from sin but ALSO FREE FROM HURT. Dude, I've got baggage. My mom dumped me, other tough stuff, like not just consequences to sin but hurts that people had done to me. People that were supposed to love and protect me used me and trashed me and moved on without blinking. And it hurt. But all of sudden, there was JESUS!  And my soul was just free. Free from the need to get high or seek for fulfillment in emptiness, but also from the hurt, the anger, even from having any expectations on myself. I mean, Jesus loves me. I'm good! But after over a decade of walking with Jesus, there have been other hurts. Other people who've hurt me. This is like a super tiny example for sure but I remember this chick in our college group liked a guy that liked me (wow, so junior high already huh) and when I told him I wasn't interested in him as more than a friend, that girl, whom I had counted as a sweet friend, pounced on the opportunity to "console" him and the two of them spread so much junk about me (all untrue even) at our college group that I felt like I couldn't go in the room. I remember actually thinking "but were Christians! I didn't think people who loved Jesus would treat each other like that!!!" I was appalled to say the least. Jesus is sweet to work it all together for good because that led me to step outside of that group and into serving in the high school ministry where I met my hunk of a man and my life totally changed. And I know that's a super small trivial example but I tell the story to show you how naive and dumb I was. I thought since we were all Christians that we wouldn't hurt each other. Yeah, I know. I'm an idiot. But that was news to me. Slowly, as circumstances arose where people really hurt me, I think I've lost the wonder of those first months with Jesus. Im not talking about dumb rumors at college group but like the people you look up to and love, like really love, those are the ones to hurt you. They're the ones that betray you. Misunderstand your intentions. Doubt your heart. Bitterly gossip and ruin your reputation. Choose to look at your weaknesses and say your benefits don't outweigh the work it takes to be there for you. And they bail. Drop you smash you trash you.  I've had some of that in the last decade, and with each one I think I've added a brick to the wall around my heart. And each brick I have laid down, all I've wanted was to be good enough to not need to build walls of protection around myself. I'm like mad at the people who are making me cut myself off from them because all I ever wanted was to love them and be loved and be free! It's sounds way more dumb when I write it out. I hope you get what I'm saying.  My whole life before Jesus I had to perform. Maybe if I'm good enough my mom will want me and come back. Maybe if I do enough good the people I love will really love me...but they never did. But then JESUS! Ya know. Like it didn't matter! I didn't have to perform to be loved. I am already loved! But I have found this week that I have indeed walled myself up again in my heart. Like a lonely princess in a tower, I've been so lonely for real love again. And Jesus, my true Knight in shining armor, has come to rescue me yet again. He has come to rescue me from performance and expectations. He has been begging me for years really. (I hope I am really getting it this time.) People are people. Even the people in my life who are supposed to love me and protect me, even they WILL fail me. 

Is what Jesus did on the cross for me still enough to free me from my need to FEEL LOVED BY PEOPLE? 

It was enough to bring me absolute amazement over a decade ago...why hasn't it been enough after I said my prayer and embarked on this crazy awesome journey into His promises? Ready for even more honesty??? I think it's because I have, without realizing it, held that hurt up to my heart. Like dude I'm saved and seeking after God, why don't people like me? Yuck! That makes it all about ME!!! So with each wrong that someone has done, I have "forgiven" and I've picked up a brick. Brick by brick, I have created my own lonely place to dwell. Because life is messy. Ots inevitable. We all hurt each other. We all have wrong expectations. We all let each other down. This week, I ran a stop sign and drove down a one way street the wrong direction. And ya know what I wanted? 

GRACE for my stupidity! 

I was driving in Washjngton DC and I was just plain out of my comfort zone and I made a mistake. I want grace! We are all dumb and totally out of our comfort zones when it comes to dealing with people, right? RIGHT!?! Am I the only one who goes home wishing I had said something differently? Well, The Holy Spirit has really challenged me and I am so darn lonely that I'm finally ready I think to let Him deal with it. I was thinking about that high tower analogy again...Lord how do I tear it down? Tuesday night we didn't have a girls bible study in Galatians because I went to the east coast pastors wives retreat and that night God was rocking that place. The message was on the Holy Spirit and our absolute utter dependence on Him. It isn't enough to do the stuff we need to do. We MUST be MOVED by Him. And there was all kinds of gnarly cool stuff going on and it was just awesome. So there's this super huge move of the Spirit going on and I'm like Lord okay I confess that I have held my hurt to my chest. I still love these people but my heart hasn't let it go. I wanted an antiseptic life and I'm kinda mad that its messy. BUT I give up. Help. And as we sang this song in worship I watched the hurts of my life pass before my eyes. My mom placing me in a gutter to drive away...the rejection of my dad...the hurts from friends, pastors, leaders who I looked up to...they all passed before me and I felt lighter. They didn't bring tears to my eyes. I was FREE. The Holy Spirit, my dunamos, my dynamite had blasted down my protective tower (which had only made me lonely and not really protected anyway) and I was just FREE. 

The Holy Spirit has come up so much lately. The speaker laid out a crazy picture for me: "the average Christians relationship with the Holy Spirit is like that of a husband to his wife in a bad marriage. They abide under the same roof and he is happy to enjoy her services but there's no communication, no celebration of WHO she is."

OUCH right? How many of us treat the Holy Spirit like that? How many of us have told the Holy Spirit he can have visitation rights when He wants full custody? I KNOW I have been neglecting my relationship with Him. But man I am so over that! I want that dunamos back in my life! I want that dynamite power everyday. Even if I will get hurt. Even if I look stupid. Even if you read this and totally misunderstand my heart and intents. Even if you think I'm a nut. I want to move when He says move. Write when He says write. I want to be held in His loving embrace and just celebrate Him!  I'm going to make mistakes, I'm going to spiritually go the wrong way down the street but hey at least I didn't stay home! That trip to DC was crazy and last minute and probably the only time I will ever get to see the Lincoln Memorial and the Washington monument and all of that. It would have been safer to stay home. And I DID mess up. But I got to see the nation's Capitol. I took pictures of things straight out of movies my kids love! I'm like a superhero to them at this point. And it was beautiful. Safety might be clean, but messiness can produce SUCH BEAUTY. 

So if you're like me, if you've felt lonely and just not known why, dude pray it up! Ask Him. He will show you what to confess. And ask Him to baptize you in His Spirit or fill you afresh and He will blast away those walls. It should be scary to be without walls. I DO know I'll get hurt. But without being open I will never know GODS love fully. He has made us to live with each other and with Him in community. Oh I think I'm rambling now.  Hopefully you get what I'm saying. 

Next week we will start back up and do Galatians chapter two so that will be rad. Thanks for putting up with my confusing stuff. I can't wait to see how He crashes into more of my junk and does some cool stuff. Ill keep you posted.