Set on High

Well, it has been quite a long time since I have posted, and really the only reason why is that I have been waiting until I had great news to share with you guys. Like hey look at me I can do cartwheels again and laundry doesn't hurt so excruciatingly that I cry when I'm done loading it in. I want to be able to say stuff like that instead of I'm still in pain, things are still hard, I STILL can't drive safely on my own, I still need my husband to cook and do the lions share of child rearing. Because when I have nothing "good" to report, I feel defeated. Like, dude, these people are tired of the eeyore act already. Give 'em something positive for a change will ya?

I've been taking this feeling of defeat and borderline-at-times-despair to the feet of Jesus for weeks now and he's been speaking. Slowly, softly, a little at a time, because He knows that too much would just overwhelm me.  So many verses about how HE goes before and behind, He restores, HE brings streams in the desert, HE does all the good stuff!  It's been slow but sweet. So sweet. And I've gotta say to anyone out there feeling like their season of difficulty is just never going to lift, keep seeking His face!  Even if it seems pointless. Even if you don't "get anything out of it."  Keep pressing in. You don't know when the beauty is about to come. 

I remember taking a hike on our honeymoon in Maui to these crazy waterfalls.  We were completely unprepared for the hike. We pictured walking half a mile through some grass and then happening upon awesomeness. So we were in flip flops and bathing suits and just goofy man. GOOFY. But the hike was four miles round trip through bamboo forests so thick you couldn't see the beginning or the end and when the wind blew through them and knocked them together they sounded like a giant all-encompassing wooden wind chime. Christian and I looked at each other and thought of the verse that says the trees clap their hands for the Lord. Then we hiked through very dense and crazy looking trees that grew up but also back down to the ground. Next, we had to cross a pretty decent stream (shoes off for that part). Then began the ascent. Everything was covered in moss and greenery and you could begin to smell the waterfall and faintly hear it. By the time we got to the falls, we were exhausted and had the whole trip back to make, but wowza it was WORTH it!  Those falls were amazing. And as we walked back, we realized that the journey had been just as fabulous as the destination. There were times when we both looked at each other and voiced the option of turning back, but we would have missed out!!!

That's how this thing has been with seeking Gods face in this difficulty. 

I came to it thinking I knew what I was heading into.  What's a little brain surgery, after all. And really I had no clue. GOOFY, man. Just goofy. 

As I embarked upon this journey, I began to realize that I was completely unprepared. The wrong "shoes," the wrong "gear," the wrong EVERYTHING. Each time the terrain has changed, I've realized something else that I was lacking. 

But unlike that hike through the rain forests of Maui, I didn't stay unprepared. God has equipped me with everything I've needed, just as soon as I have admitted the lack and asked, that is. Sometimes I was slower to admit it than others.  

But I have sort of stalled out these past couple of months. It's been one thing on top of another and I've just been worn thin. Like not enough butter spread over too much bread (thanks to my hubby for making me a Tolkien nerd and kudos to those of you who caught the Bilbo reference). For reals I've been DESPERATE.  My heart has been longing and like I said He has been spoon feeding me just what I can handle, like a caring doctor feeding broth to His patient. 

But today, I think he handed me a STEAK. Like, dude, this was MEATY. He handed me this:

 I am heart broken, poor, needy, DESPERATE, and the plea made here in psalm 69 is 

"Let YOUR SALVATION set me on high"

Whoa. Chew on that for a second. When everything stinks so badly that I am at the end of myself, the thing that will set me on high, that will lift me up, is His salvation!

Man, do we GET that!?!  For months now, I have been trying to "count it all joy when you fall into various trials" like it says in James. That word "count" in the original language is an accounting term and basically means "add it up."  James didn't mean that the trials were actually joyful but like an accounting ledger, add it all together and look at the end of the equation.  Trials, stinky life stuff, hardships PLUS Jesus EQUALS joy!  

Well, to be honest and real here, I've been trying to do that...but with the wrong stuff.  

I've been looking at "things" and trying to balance them with "things." Yes it's another surgery (stinkiness) but hey at least God made a way for me to be better so hey now hand me some joy. Yes it's ANOTHER surgery, which will have to be followed by another surgery to fix the hole they'll be leaving but hey at least they found the staph before it crossed into my brain and I didn't die! Hey where's my joy?  Yes they gave me medicine the last two surgeries that they didn't explain was way stronger and more addictive and now, even though I only took half of what they said and never abused it, I have to go through withdrawals like a heroine addict because of my genetic defect that won't process out toxins like a normal person, but hey it can't last forever and I have a great supportive husband and an awesome Jesus who will get me though, now where's my joy???  Over and over again,  as each new wave of difficulty has come over me, I've been trying to balance it out with the truly wonderful things that God has done for me in this season of life.  And it's not wrong to be thankful and express gratitude regularly. 

BUT I WAS TRYING TO BALANCE OUT THE TRIALS OF THIS LIFE WITH THE AMAZING "THINGS" GOD HAS DONE FOR ME. 

That doesn't work because the "things" He has done, they won't bring the joy and peace I need. Only HE brings the joy and peace. 

The fact that HE SAVED A SINNER LIKE ME, that's the only thing I can add to the equation of hardships and ALWAYS have the ledger read out JOY. 

The Jesus "things" are good. But there will always be more bad "things" that creep in. Life is full of trouble the same way it is full of beauty. It is not perfect. 

But NOTHING can cancel out what He did for me on the cross. 

There is no hardship that is too big to put His blood off balance. There will always be joy when HIS SACRIFICE IS ENOUGH for me. 

Only His salvation can truly set me on high. 

So that's where I'm at, still broken, but breaking in the right places, I hope. 

I still can't function normally, but my hair is growing back finally! And with my hair down you can't even really tell, which is awesome because people really gawk at you when your head looks like this:

I still can't drive myself around, but I can homeschool the kids mostly, so that's nice. I really enjoy that time with them. 

I can't do much around the house but I've been crocheting like a crazy lady so at least I'm being somewhat productive! 

It's a turtle shell with a blanket inside that folds out :)

(I could keep going but you get the point.)

I'm not getting "better," but I'm not getting BITTER (by Gods grace alone) so there is nothing more I can ask for! I'm going to CHOOSE to LET His salvation be what sets me on high today. Don't you love how that word LET is in there? It's passive, meaning you don't do anything to make it happen, you just don't do anything to stop it. Chill out. Sit still. Let God be God and be AMAZED at His gift of salvation, His gift of love. Yeah, pray for me to continue in this, okay?  'Cause it's kinda beautiful from where I'm sitting right now and I just want to take it all in. 

Hope will Bud Forth

The Lord gave me this verse out of Job this morning. Cause really my problem isn't so much how absolutely awful I still feel (which is why I've been pretty silent these last few weeks) but really everything just seems to keep piling on top of each other and somewhere in the last few weeks I think I've lost HOPE. 

Cause this is more than just physical trials. 

There have been so many emotional ones the last year I cannot even begin to describe. And I'm just all out.  Out of Hope that I will ever feel normal again. That I'll ever be a fun mom again. A good wife. Hope that I'll ever be more than everyone's burden. And I know I have heaven and that makes everything in this life worth it...intellectually. 

But I've been feeling such a lack of HOPE. 

And I feel like He gave me the beginning of it. Even if I'm dry and feel so lost in all of this, JUST THE SCENT OF WATER can bring fresh growth.

 I just need more of that Living Water. More Holy Spirit. 

He will grow the hope that I have lost. 

Because I cannot seem to grow it myself. But I can smell Him. He is close. And loving and kind and generous. I know He will do something good. Even if it feels like trial upon trial. He never leaves. He never forsakes. I can count on that. His word will uphold me while I wait for the beautiful growth that only He can bring.