Your Word is a lamp to my feet

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!  How cool is it that we have an entire nationally recognized holiday set aside to give thanks!?!  I mean, I get it that not everyone is giving thanks to Jesus, but still, we are giving thanks to Jesus and its a wide open opportunity to practice what so many of the Psalms exhort us to do: "Give Thanks to the Lord, for He is good, for His mercy endures forever..."  That is some good stuff!

Being thankful this year actually comes a bit easier for me than it ever has before.  I feel a bit like a cheater actually.  I think when the heat turns up in life, its a little easier to focus in on what really matters and how much of the good stuff there really is going on.  Sometimes in the busy-ness of the every day, we miss the "little" things that are really the HUGE things!

Last month when I posted, I alluded to God's sweet faithfulness in the midst of troubling times, how He brings the sweetest revelations of Himself and His awesomeness in the midst of the pain.  I will begin this post by saying this:

1.  This post will be long and full of personal stuff, so if you're busy or bored I am totally not offended if you stop reading here.

2. This post will elaborate on the sweetness that He is currently bringing to me as I wade through some medical issues.

It's been hard to want to talk about the things that have gone on in the last six months or so because I haven't known what was wrong exactly and I don't like to bother people or complain.  And as we have found more details they all seem so unreal that I think I have been waiting for it to all make sense more before I try to explain what is going on.  I still don't think it all makes sense, but here we go.

This past spring, I began to notice that my right leg, arm, and side of my face had less feeling.  Not all the way numb, but like when you get a cavity filled at the dentist and its not all the way "awake" yet.  Along with severe headaches, a few other symptoms, and the fact that my biological mom died of complications of MS, we began praying.  Over the summer, my heart rates began acting weird.  I was born with a defective valve, but it has for the most part not affected my life too much.  I can't run (like really I CANT) but I can ride bikes.  I can lead an active life, I just literally am no good past 8:00pm, stuff like that.  But over the summer things began to change.  In September,  Jesus gave us insurance (thats a crazy cool story, just saying) and I went in for a check up.  My primary took one look at me and sent me to a neurologist and a cardiologist.  The neurologist sent me for an MRI and they found that I do NOT have MS!  Woop WOOP!  That was such an answer to prayer because MS is really really awful and there is no cure.  However, while they were in there, they DID find that I have a 1 inch in diameter tumor on the back of my skull.  Whoa.  That was sort of nutty.  They sent me for a CT Scan to help determine what in the world it is.  They still don't know for sure, but they THINK that it is benign and that it is slow growing.  SO yay for no cancer, cause cancer stinks for sure.  However, benign tumors can cause a lot of local damage and it looks to be doing so (it may be the reason that my vision has taken a dive in the last six months because it is placing pressure on my occipital lobe and it may even be the cause of my constant fevers that I have been battling for about three years) so the neurosurgeon said lets get that puppy out of there!  It's on the back of my skull so the scarring won't even be a real issue and although they will have to remove most of the bone in that area, they can reconstruct it and after a few months I should be back to normal.  The only thing he wanted was the okay from my cardiologist to put me on the operating table because my numbers weren't cool.

So we had our first appointment with my new cardiologist November 4th with the hope of getting cleared quickly so I could get this thing out of my head.  He took a look at my numbers and sent me that Friday for a few tests.  The following tuesday, November 12, he met with us to discuss the results and told us some crazy news that threw everything else out the door.

Apparently, my heart was worse than I ever thought.  I basically have a "kink" in my pulmonary artery and because of that I don't get proper blood flow.  To compensate for that, my heart is working harder to try to supply my body with the oxygen it needs.  It is working at pressures that are DOUBLE what they should be.  The extra work is causing my heart to become enlarged.  Although having a "big heart" sounds good, you can actually die of that so my cardiologist flat out told us, "You need open heart surgery to save your life."

  I guess my case is actually very rare and there is no way to balloon it or stint it or do anything less invasive.  The only way to repair this is to do traditional open heart surgery.  Like the kind where they hook you up to a heart/lung machine and stop your heart and all of that.  He said that my numbers are bad and that it is getting worse progressively and it needs to be dealt with quickly.  We left that appointment kind of in a daze.  We were prepared for talk of a pacemaker to regulate my crazy rhythms and instead left knowing that the next year of my life will be completely different than anything we have ever thought of.  I had a transesophagael echocardiogram and a cardiac cath last week.  This Friday I have a CT on my pulmonary artery and all together that should give the surgeon a "road map" to follow when he gets in there.  December 6th I will see him, and the scheduler from his office said that we would most likely be in the operating room within the next 5-7 days after that.  Total recovery time after the surgery is one year.  I guess it takes a while to properly recover when they cut open your chest.  Makes sense.

So that's why I say, this is the easiest year I have ever had being thankful.  I'm a cheater because after all of that, it is SO EASY to see a whole crazy list of things to be thankful for.

*I do NOT have MS.

*I do NOT have cancer.

*I do NOT have a condition that cannot be corrected.

*My heart should return to its normal size after the surgery because they caught it early enough and I am young (well, youngish.  Most people having these surgeries are much older)

*My babies are perfectly healthy and wonderful.

*My husband has had a lot of time off in November and will have a lot of December as well to help take care of the kids and house (I get winded even doing the dishes.  If I vacuum and clean a bathroom, I almost immediately have to go lie down and will sleep for up to 14 hours, so his help has been tremendous)

*I have a sweet church family here in Denver that is praying for me and supporting us in this.

*I have a sweet church family in Texas that has come along side me in prayer and has offered to help (although I don't even know what I need yet, the offer means the world to me.)

*I have talked with my brother and Dad more this month than I have in the last year (things get busy, its not anything bad, just life.  But its nice to hear from them more).

*Knowing how crazy the recovery will be, I am thankful that for the next two weeks I have the ability to shower and braid my own hair and wear a shirt that goes over my head and walk up and down the stairs and play legos on the floor with my kids and breath and cough without pain (they have to break your sternum and usually crack open your rib cage so yeah, even breathing will be fun for a while)

*I have the strength of God's word to uphold me even when I feel like it is all too much and overwhelming. That's not just some lame christianese!   That has been the crazy coolest thing to me!  His word really really is true!  Psalm 119 has really been amazing to me.  Over and over it says how God's word is what revives, strengthens, and upholds us.  And that is so so true!!!!  I am okay.  I am better than okay.  As we speak, I can hardly see the computer screen because my vision is wiggy, my chest feels like a stack of weights is on top of it, and I can't catch my breath even though I am just sitting here....BUT I AM GREAT!!!!!!  Figure that one out apart from the grace of God!  He just keeps giving me His word and it is beautiful.  When we first started getting some of these results, He gave me 2Timothy 4:17-18 and it has been a jewel I have been hanging onto.  He gives me promises every day, literally!

There is so much more I could list, but I don't want to make this longer than it already is.

Not every moment is sunshine and rainbows, but every moment is so full of His grace that I sometimes literally feel like I am floating on it.  Remember how the Lord told me that this winter season would be awfully cold?  Yeah, the frost is setting in, but I can FEEL Him beginning to work.  I can feel the working beginning in me that will bring the fruit that He wants to produce in my life.  Weird I know.  I can't seem to put my thoughts into the words I want, but I just want to say that this will be gnarly!  Gnarly hard, but gnarly amazing too.

So there ya go, my crazy long Thanksgiving post.  Thanks for hanging with me through so many scatterbrained words.  Thanks for reading and caring.  That's another thing I am thankful for.  And if the Lord puts it on your heart to pray for me, please do!  Specifically, that the surgery would go well, that God would provide help during the recovery time, because January and most of February will be rough and christian has to work.  I know God has it under control, but if you want to partner with us in prayer for that, that would be great.  And just all of the stuff that goes along with such a major surgery.  Oh and that my tumor in my head would not grow! And anything else the Lord leads you in to pray for.  Thank you thank you thank you!  This will be an amazing adventure to be on together, don't you think?

p.s. I threw this picture in for funsies.  Aren't these hilarious!?!  Gotta have a little laughter mixed in with these serious posts, right? 

A nod to King Jesus

So last wednesday night, our life group went over John 19, and I've got a few things rolling around in my head.  Like the kind of stuff that Jesus shows you and keeps showing you over and over again.

You see, Pilate wrote this title over Jesus' head, as He was being crucified.  King.  What does it mean to be king?  The dictionary tells me "the ruler of an independent state, esp. one who inherits the position by right of birth.  synonyms: ruler, sovereign, crowned head, lord."  Well, now that's pretty clear.  It is the sovereign ruler, the one who has been crowned king and has the position of ruling and making decisions and leading and providing for.

Is Jesus our King?  In the full sense of the word?  I know we as christians enjoy the provision He gives and even sometimes allow ourselves to be lead by Him, but do we personally crown Him as LORD, the Sovereign One, the One with the right to make decisions and place us where He will?

Was Pilate here declaring the Kingship of Jesus?  That was one of the questions asked wednesday night.  Like, did he get it or what?  Why put this sign up AND crucify the dude?

And the answer seemed to be so clear:
Pilate could not deny that Jesus was King, that He was sovereign.  So he gave him the title and then had Him crucified.  He basically gave a nod to His kingship.  Like, hey, I see you're something.

 Pilate nodded to His kingship, but he was not ready to bow.

And that just stuck like an arrow in my heart.  Where am I at?  Yes, I am saved.  I love Jesus and I have trusted in His finished work on the cross, but have I crowned Him as King of my life.

As I prayed this week for people that are hurting and can't seem to find victory, the Spirit brought this back up to me.  I feel like the key to a victorious christian walk is to crown Him as King, personally, individually.

The key to joy is to NOT nod to His kingship, to NOT say hey I can't deny You but I don't want to submit to You.
The key is to lay it all down and say You are King and I am not.  You are the Sovereign Lord, and I submit myself under your authority.  You're already Sovereign, I just bow at your feet to proclaim it as true.

I know things like bowing and submission sound kind of restrictive and yucky to some people, and I get that.  But it's just not like that with Jesus.  I have never once submitted to Him and not been met with His kindness and grace and love.  He's not on some crazy power trip.  It's about a loving Daddy who wants to bless His kids.  That's His heart.  Test Him on this.  See if you don't find the most true joy and peace you have ever had in your life when you crown Him your personal King and step back to let Him rule.

Pilate kind of lost it after Jesus was crucified.  I see a lot of people come face to face with Jesus and then make the decision to make no decision at all.  And they kind of lose it.
It isn't enough to nod to His deity.  We must embrace it.  
And it isn't enough to nod to His Kingship.  We must bow.

Sing Like Never Before

I cannot believe that it is August 25th!  I just cannot wrap my mind around the fact that it is the end of August, that fall begins next month, that the leaves will begin to change and that colder weather will soon be on its way (last year we had our first snow fall the first week of October).  The summer has FLOWN by, and I realize what a cliche that is to say.  But it's true!  This has been a crazy, gnarly, awesome summer but it was so full that it flew away!

 This week has been a SUPER good week for my heart.
This week the Lord brought together a bunch of the stuff that has been rolling around in my brain waiting to be doused in His peace and love.  All summer, it has been so hot and SO DRY! I went from humid Texas summers to completely dry almost zero percent humidity Denver. And my soul has felt like it matched the weather.  I have been desperately awaiting a good thunderstorm, a good downpour upon the landscape of not just outside but also of my heart.
This week it has rained and stormed almost every single day!  It is gorgeous in the morning, in the 60's, you can run around and do what you please.  Then in the afternoon it heats up and the heat is followed by a cooling thunderstorm and wind and rain.  then it clears up and you go to bed.  Every day!  It has been so refreshing!  And my soul has felt like this too.  Every day I wake up, enjoy my sweet quiet time with my Savior and then comes the heat of the day.  And just when I feel like its getting too warm (go with my spiritual analogy hear okay?), then comes the rain, His Spirit just washing over my soul and making me more in love with Him.  He has been drawing me with His cords of love into the secret place of His sanctuary and I have been learning new littles pieces of His character, and some huge crazy wow Jo how did you never get that before pieces too!  It's been amazing.  In those times of being washed over, He has brought peace and love to areas that were just a ball of pain in my heart.  He has brought excitement where before there was just uncertainty and fear.  It has been a truly wonderful week.  This morning in my time with Jesus, I read this:

Psalm 40:2-5 completely rocked!  When we were still praying and planning to move to Denver, Alicia Sherbet introduced a new song during worship at church and I remember being almost literally knocked down by it.  In the chorus it says "sing like never before, O my soul, I'll worship Your holy name..."  and the Lord spoke to my heart and said basically, "I will make you sing like never before in Denver.  Your song to me will be more complete and more worshipful because of what I will do there.  Some of it WILL hurt.  Are you ready to sing like never before?"

Quite honestly, that scared me.  I wasn't really sure that I wanted to sing like never before if it was going to be a painful path to get there (I'm just being honest here).  But I knew the call Jesus had placed on us, so off we went.  Sometimes obedience is a choice.  And here I am.  I haven't reached the other side, Im not done learning this new song that He is teaching me, but I am so in love with the One who is teaching me.  And I am far enough in to hear His voice clearly speak to my heart of His love.  It begins like these verses begin.

 Verse 2: I see what He has saved me from, well as much as my puny mind can grasp it anyway.  I was in a miry clay pit and He brought me out.  That is always the beginning of the song we sing to Him, isn't it!?!  And every single day, He keeps saving us from our junk.  He is so glorious!!!

Next, HE has put a new song in my mouth, and it is one of praise.  Only He can put that song in my mouth.  I can't manufacture it.  But, by the power of His Spirit, I can open my mouth and let Him fill it with praise.

Then, people
see it,
hear,
fear, and
trust.  Oh I am praying for this to be true!!!  I want people to see His glory, hear of His majesty and be drawn into a real lasting abiding relationship with HIM!  I don't want to convince people, I want Jesus to be able to woo people through the beauty of His love song sung through His saints.  Isn't that  a beautiful picture of what the church is to be?  A bunch of love songs that draw people into His presence!  And we feel like this is a specific word for here, for now.  And that is crazy cool!

And that brings us to His wonderful works.  That is beginning to happen now!  Yes, we are seeing sweet relationships that began almost a year ago being brought deeper, questions being asked, fruit is beginning to happen for sure!  BUT the wonderful works that are blowing my mind this week are happening inside of me.  My heart has never felt lighter, more joyful, more trusting.  And that is a miraculous wonderful work of HIM!!!  Where I am normally fighting to be forgiving or loving or understanding or sacrificial, I find HIM doing HIS thing and knocking my socks off.  It's been beautiful.  I hope that doesn't sound like boasting.  Im only sharing that because it is a miracle really haha!  And because I am blown away by how much ministry really does need to begin in my own heart.  And when I say ministry I do NOT mean being a pastor's wife.  Anything you do for Jesus is ministry.  Loving your kids, your neighbors, your job, whatever.  That's ministry.  And that must begin in our own hearts.

So I guess my update from Denver this week is that He is in fact teaching me a new song to sing to Him.  It has been painful.  It has been beautiful.  And I am finally truly, down into my toes excited to learn it.

An Anchor of the Soul

So there's a ton floating around in my brain and my kids are about to wake up so I will try my best to see if I can get this out.  There have been SO MANY things that the Lord is speaking to my heart in the past couple of weeks.  Many of them I can't put into words yet because they haven't processed fully yet.  I haven't come to the other side yet.  Still walking in the lessons, so I don't have much to say about them yet.

But I will say that Jesus has been speaking about His Word.

To my heart.
To christian's heart.
Through times of prayer.
Through sweet people in our church.
His word keeps coming up, in all it's beauty.  And although the last few weeks have been a bit intense, I have to say that His word has kept me grounded.  Dominic Balli has an awesome song that I was listening to this week (okay all his songs are awesome, but this one in particular) and it says, "I've been in valleys and mountains, rest comes and peace like a fountain....His word keeps me grounded...I know You are there, You are there no matter where life goes, You are there..."  And I have to say, that has been so true this year.

Moving to Denver...leaving a loving, sweet church family...going somewhere that no one thought we should go...starting from nothing at all but the call of God in our hearts...it has been a walk of faith for sure.  It hasn't always been easy to discern what is our flesh and what is the heart of God.  We aren't perfect.  Just sinners who are so stoked to be saved that we just have to share it with others.  But in that, theres a lot of room to not be sure of what we are doing, how we should do it, if we are even hearing the heart of Jesus.

That's where the Word comes in.  The word of God has been like an anchor to me these past months and I have never been more in love with the Savior who bore my sins upon the tree for me because of it.  

Hebrews 6:19 tells us
"This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast..."

That is what God's word has been to me.  When my emotions want to run away like a kite in the wind...He is my anchor.  When waves are tossing the boat of life...He is my anchor.  When people hurt or disappoint or misunderstand...He is my anchor.

There are days when I just want to sit and listen to my Saviors voice speak and never leave my corner of the bedroom where I read each morning.  But that would be escapism and anyway God's word is my anchor, my strength, my shield....but that doesn't play out as me hiding away from the world.  If I am really hearing from Him, He will prompt me to get up...to share His love with anyone I meet...to pray with more diligence...to clean my house and feed my babies with a heart that knows how much that means to Jesus...to praise Him in the "everyday".

You see its in His word that I catch a glimpse of His glory...His nature...His character...His heart.  It's so easy in my mind or in this world to forget how loving He is, how HOLY He is, how much He loves the little children, how much His heart is for the outcast and the poor, how much He wants UNITY even among believers who differ in the minor areas.  Hey, it's in His word that we find the answers to those minor differences!
His word teaches us to pray.
His word shows us what worship is really to look like and to do in our hearts.
The model for parenthood and marriage and friendship and love...it's ALL FOUND IN HIS WORD!
There is nothing that I need that can't be found there.
And there are days when we read and think, "All righty then.  Hmmm.  That wasn't earth shattering."  But it is as we continually pour things into our heart, hide them there, make them our own, that He is able to link by link by link anchor us deeper and deeper into HIM.  

Like a boat in a storm, things might get rocky, but I wont be moved.  I mean, I will be moving up and down back and forth a bit, but I wont lose ground.  I won't wake up after the storm subsides and find that I am in the middle of the ocean, so far from where I wanted to be.  Because, lets face it, on our own we wander.  And we end up places we never thought we would be.

Feeling lost today?  A bit far from shore?  Dude, dig into His word!  Plan a time every day to say Lord I want to see Your face, hear Your heart.  I promise you, when you get to heaven NO ONE WILL SAY THEY WISHED THEY READ THEIR BIBLE LESS OFTEN.  It is a beautiful love letter from a Lover seeking to share His heart.  Let's not miss out on this anchoring, stabilizing gift that shows us the very heart of our God!  I am so thankful for this rocky season because I can honestly say it has been so good.  Things have been a bit tough here and there, but the GOOD that has come out of each difficulty FAR outweighs the difficulty itself.  Without God's word as my anchor, I know that in my flesh I would not be able to say that.  It is the very breath of God and transforms our hearts from the inside out, renews perspective, imparts wisdom and insight.  AGH! I could go on forever, and I hear my kiddos moving around so I will just wrap it up here.  Pray for me to dig deeper into His word every single day.  And I will pray the same for you.

Love from Colorado,

The Danger of Bitterness

Well, it has been a long time since I last posted an update on how things are going around here.  Things have been busy, and there's been a lot of change.  Some of it great!  Some of it sad yet really really good, too.  And I've just not been in the mood to write down my feelings.  But this morning I was so struck by Michal in 1Chronicles 15 that I just have to try to get out what I am feeling.

The background here is that David is bringing back the ark to Jerusalem.  It had been taken by the Philistines and then they gave it back (great story there, go read it!) and David tried to bring the ark back without consulting the Lord on how to do it (15:13).  That ended super sad and for a while David was afraid to bring the ark home, to mess up again.  But as he saw that the house of Obed-Edom (the dude whose house he left the ark at before running back to Jerusalem) was super blessed and prosperous (what a picture of the blessings that come just from being in the presence of God), David decided to bring home the ark.  But this time He did it Gods way.  How important it is that we do God's stuff God's way!  Zeal isn't enough.  We need to seek Him, to know His character and His word, and then do His stuff His way.  He has a reason for it.

But that's another point.  The thing that struck me today was at the end of the chapter.  David is cruising into town, dancing and twirling and playing music....looking not at all like a dignified king.  and verse 28 tells us that,

"...she despised him in her heart."

And I have always seen that verse and thought, wow, our thought life will affect our actions.  She was all hateful in her heart and it later came out towards David.

But today I was struck by this question and the implications of the possible answers...

Why did Michal despise David in her heart?

Was is because
1. She personally lacked a passionate fervor to worship the Lord?  Watching David twirl and dance before the Lord with joy, did she know that something within her should want to do the same?  But instead of responding to the Lords call to enter in, did she bury the feelings and lash out in hate?

That's not that far fetched you know.  When someone else excels at what we do not, it is so easy to criticize, tear down, until we feel better about where we lack. We, as humans, do that.  How sad.  I am praying that the Lord will make me joyful and challenged when others excel where I don't.  I don't want to be like Michal.

Was it because
2. Her pride kept her from wanting to look undignified in front of the kingdom?  Don't judge, dude.  We do this too.  You want to stand in worship, or kneel, or whatever...have you ever NOT done it, because you were afraid of how it would look?  Have you ever felt that you were supposed to pray for someone or give a word and just not done it because it might be seen as extreme?  I have!  Another thing to cover in prayer for sure.

But the last thing on my heart convicts me the most.  Was it because of
3. Bitterness
This is, to me, the most dangerous poison of all.  Because we can see and identify pride and a lack of fervor for the Lord and see it as wrong.  But bitterness is sneaky.  I was thinking about how much Michal and David had gone through.  Their's wasn't the healthiest of relationships for sure.  Drama, man, drama.  But at some point Michal really loved David.  When you really love someone, you open yourself up to be hurt.  Vulnerability.  And David had hurt her for sure.  Most recently,  David had taken away the man that she married when David left.  Granted, she shouldn't have gotten remarried but still, the dude LOVED her deeply( he bawled his eyes out as she was taken away).  And David just took her away from him and put her in the palace....along with all the wives that HE had gained while he was away.  Doesn't seem fair.  Or kind.  And IT WASN'T.  Michal had some sincere hurts, real wrongs that David had done to her.  These things weren't made up or even blown out of proportion like I can so easily do.

BUT, to hang on to the hurts.....I know I am speculating here, but it doesn't feel like a far stretch to me.  Because I have seen it happen in my own life.  When we hold on to the hurt that others have caused us, even if it is a real wrong that we didn't "deserve,"

we are robbing OURSELVES of the ability to enter in to JOY and worship.

Is it worth it to hang on to our "rights" and miss out on joy?  Do we want to place ourselves like Michal in the palace window, all locked up inside of our own hurts? Or do we want to place ourselves down in the streets with the people of God, praising God, full of the joy of God?

It is our choice.  It's my choice.

Bitterness is sneaky.  It's like mold.  It creeps in unnoticed.  It takes a LOT of effort to kill.  And no matter how many times you kill it, you have to be aware that it will want to come back.  I have had bitterness issues that I totally gave over to the Lord only to have it rear its ugly head years later.  So i guess I am challegning you (and mostly myself) to be on guard against bitterness.  Let's not let it rob us of joy and fellowship.  Let's gather together in the streets and sing His praises because what HE DID ON THE CROSS is bigger than any offense anyone has ever done.

P.S. Last week, we said goodbye to the Goldens.  The Lord opened a door to them in McKinney, Texas and we are SO SAD to see them go but so thankful for our time with them here and for their obedience to His calling on their lives.  Pray for them but also for us too!  We miss them already and we just can't wait until heaven when we will be gathered together with all of the sweet people we love that are scattered across the country.

Bearing each other's burdens

I can't believe that we are already at the end of Galatians!  This has been a super crazy and awesome season for me with Jesus....really finding His heart on some controversial subjects in the church culture today...really rediscovering His heart on things that I had once learned but had stopped walking in...really pressing in to His embrace and finding it to be sufficient for my every need.  It has been hard to walk through these verses and examine my heart, my beliefs and then say willingly, "Lord change what I have gotten wrong here."  But its been so good too!

This week, we are looking at Galatians chapter 6.  There is SO MUCH GOOD STUFF in here, but I'm feeling one part jump out and so that's what I am going to elaborate on.  There's plenty more here if you want to chime in though.  You know I love to hear your heart!

Verse 2

"Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ."

Bear one another's burdens.  I am just struck by the simplicity yet complexity of this command.  By bearing your burden, I fulfill the law of Christ???  Wowza!  That's kinda big, dontcha think?  So how do we bear each other's burdens?  

I think it can be big or it can be small.  I think it will look different on each one of us.  Our individual giftings will affect the exact manifestation of this, but its got the image of me carrying this crazy heavy load on my shoulders, and you helping me.  

I think of my friend that comes over to hang out with me on Wednesdays with a giant bag full of the weeks laundry that she tosses over the shoulder of her tiny frame and then leans into it and manages to somehow get up my stairs.  That's a burden.  A weight.  Something we carry, sometimes we know it's there, sometimes we aren't even aware that we are leaning and struggling.  But it's there.  

Bearing that burden with me has the imagery that as I carry that heavy load, you come alongside me and bear up under it.  You put your shoulder next to mine and help me carry the load to where it needs to go.  It does not change the weight of the burden.  The only difference is that we carry it together and the weight is physically lighter because I am not alone.  And we carry it to Jesus, because thats where our burdens belong.  As you walk with me, even though you're carrying this heavy thing with me, we BOTH draw closer to the Lord because of it.

What does this mean exactly?  Well, its hard to say because we need to constantly be checking with the Holy Spirit and asking Him because it will change based on the situation.  Yes, we are back to that point again.  You HAVE to be full of the Spirit in order to even bear another's burdens.  We need His power for everything.  

But I think usually it means that we do less talking and more listening when people are in pain.  It's so easy to listen to a friend recount their health troubles and spout off dietary changes that would help.  It's easy to listen to a friend with relationship problems and tell her to dump the loser.  It's easy to listen to problems and pop out with your answer for them.  Don't.  Listen first.  Really ask Jesus to help you FEEL what they are going through.  Pray.  Then maybe speak.  Maybe.  

When I was very sick about three years ago, I had the sweetest church body come alongside me and my family and bear that with us.  Women brought over dinner, so my poor family could eat something that wasn't from the frozen section at Walmart.  People prayed for me.  I remember sweet women bringing their kids over to my house to let their kids play with my kids because my kids were SO BORED (I was having heart problems and was basically a lump of a mommy).  One girl came over and cleaned my bathrooms.  BATHROOMS.  Like toilets, people.  I will never ever forget that.  One woman wrote me hand written encouragement cards.  How beautiful and rare is it to receive a card in the mail these days, huh?  And then, when it was all over and the pain was now coming from our hospital bills, sweet people dropped of anonymous gifts of money in our mailbox to help bear the burden of the debt that we were in (heart cath's are expensive!).  

Each person that bore our burden with us did it differently.  I think the Holy Spirit uses the gifts He has given us to make this come alive in our lives differently.  The woman who wrote those cards, definitely has the gift of encouragement rocking in her life.  The one who cleaned my toilets, gift of helps man!  And mercy!  Cause those were toilets she was cleaning!!!  And my son was only 3!  You get the picture though, right?  I can't tell you what it will look like exactly for you to bear the burdens of those around you but I CAN tell you, it will be a working, an outflow of the Spirits power in your life.  

I think verse 3-4 are interesting to note.  

"If anyone thinks himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself.  But let each one examine his own works...

That at first seemed to be kind of out of nowhere.  Like Paul is wrapping things up here and needs to get all these statements in before he runs out of room on the scroll.  But actually, I don't think so.  I think he is saying to get in there.  Shoulder the load.  Put your shoulder to the shoulder of the person who is weighted down and really bear it with them.  But as you stoop down and get under the strain of it, it will be easy to become short tempered and want to be done.  (Have you ever helped someone move???)  As you get shoulder to shoulder, in such close proximity, you WILL see the imperfections in the person you are helping, and there is the tendency to then pick at the character of that person.  I feel like this is in here because Paul, and ultimately Jesus, wants us to remember to keep it all about HIM.  Don't examine the imperfections of the person you are coming alongside.  If you need to examine anyone other than Jesus, let it be yourself.  Let His truth affect you, and leave the correcting of the little things you might see in that other person to Jesus.  Now, I'm not talking about straight up sin issues.  Love will not ignore telling a person when they are in sin.  I'm talking about the little stuff.  The stuff that isn't a salvation issue.  I mean, hey, these people could have criticized me for my messy house, for my rowdy kids.  Honestly, there were times when my faith was weak and I was so tired of going through the pain and limitations of it all.  Someone could have told me that I wasn't having enough faith and trust.  And they would have been RIGHT!  But instead, they prayed.  They bore the load.  And God increased my faith.  Try to remember that when we are bearing someone else's load, they are going through a difficult time.  It's hard.  Don't judge.  Just love.  AND PRAY.  And then do what Jesus says to.  And it will be ALL GOOD!

Man, I hope I'm making sense here.  I have been so blessed by people bearing me up in my life, and I hope and pray that I get to return that.  I love that we have the body of Christ, spread out though we may be.  Prayer and love and bearing one another's burdens.....it lightens everything and just makes me feel like singing praise to Jesus!!!!  That's some joy right there!  Reminds me of last Thursday night's Hill Song concert at the Red Rocks...almost 10,000 people praising Him.....I cannot wait for Heaven where this is what we DO!

Walking with Scars

Tonight I am sitting here listening to the storm that finally decided to roll through while I think about Galatians 5:16-26.  All day this storm has teased me.  Have you ever just felt the NEED for a good rain.  I have felt my soul aching to have the thoughts that roll through my head washed away.  I have watched the sky darken in the distance and the wind pick up, only to peter out into nothing.  Twice, it began to sprinkle.  But stopped short of the deluge I was so wishing for.  As the kids and I walked out of Costco, I could SMELL the rain.  Like, I stopped them and made them close their eyes and sniff.  We blocked the traffic of people trying to get their receipts checked so they can go home, but I didn't care.  And the kids faces lit up.  They could smell it too!!!!!!!!  We were all just a little bit too giddy, if I can be honest.  We walked out into a few drops of rain....and then that was it.  I went back to checking the sky between dishes and dinner making and vacuuming and Bible story reading.  Nothing.

Then the sun went down, the wind picked up, and now I can hear it pouring.  It's raining enough to make an impact on my soul even if I can't see it.

My heart has been heavy today.  Ever had that kind of day?  Nothing is really any heavier than yesterday.  But it just feels heavy.  There IS some stuff going on, in all honesty, but nothing that I have any reason to be concerned with.  I mean, my Jesus is on the throne.  He is in charge and I am safe.  He is also loving and faithful and His banner over me is LOVE.  I BELONG.  I am not forsaken.  I am treasured and adored apart from my performance and perceived self-worth.  I am beloved in spite of my epic failures.  I am wanted even though He sees all the way into my yuck.  I know these things are true.  And I know that because they are true, nothing is really that big of a deal.  For reals.  I am not just saying that.  But, also for reals, I'm kinda not feeling it.  Knowledge and feelings don't always come together in my head.  And so my soul waits for a deluge in the form of an actual rain storm to rinse away the blah of my soul today.

But oh!  This is the cry of my heart!  I need a deluge not for my skin and my physical senses, but for my soul.  I need the Holy Spirit to pour over me.  My soul won't be overwhelmed by a darkening of the sky, by the smell of it, by a small sprinkling.  My soul needs to poured over by His Spirit!  Like NEEDS it.  I am so verse 17 way more often than I want to admit to.  There is such a war in me.  I don't really struggle (too much anyway) with wanting to be nice to people or do "the right thing"....my struggle is uglier than that.  I struggle with rejection. I have been hurt in my past.  In the not so distance past.  Today.  And I am tired of trying to walk through life pretending that I haven't.  Jesus has healed me FOR SURE.  And I am so thankful for that.  His blood is the most precious thing in the universe and I am so thankful that He held out His hands to me and welcomed me in.  But a serious wound that has been healed will leave a scar.  And I have had some serious wounds.  Which means I have some scars.  And it's okay to have scars.

Those of us that have born babes can attest.  Scars, stretch marks, they are just part of the territory.  You can spend all of your energy trying to return your body to the shape and size that it once was, but its mostly futile.  And really, why do we want to go back?  Aren't our precious little babes worth the rearranging of our bodies?

I feel like I spend way too much time trying to return my soul's figure to what I think in my mind it should look like (which, in keeping with the post baby body analogy, is probably not even realistic anyway).  Am I making any sense at all here?  Why am I trying to fight against my scars and stretch marks and pretend they don't exist???  I am who I am.  Each thing I have been through, regardless of the pain, has been allowed by a loving Father and has shaped me into who I am.  And it's not like I think I am so great or anything, just that I am who I am.  God has put me together exactly like He has and He wants to use me like this.  Scars and all.  They are reminders of who I used to be.  Reminders of who I so easily become when I am not mindful of Jesus and all that He has done on my behalf.  Reminders of who I am when I am not living full of His Spirit.

And I need to see what I look like when I don't walk in His Spirit.

Verse 25 kinda rocked me today.  If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.  I am no Bible scholar but it seems to me like these are separate and distinct.  I can be saved (living in the Spirit...total gift from Jesus to me) but it is different and distinct to be WALKING in the Spirit.  OUCH.  So I can be totally saved and totally a loser.  Bummer.  A very large bummer.

But I love that Jesus didn't dangle impossible demands over me and say there ya go, Jo.  Have fun with that.

NO WAY!

He left me with a Helper! (John 14)  I am not alone in this walk.  And because of His Spirit, I can walk free of legalism AND free from the bondage of the junk in verses 19-21.  Anybody out there ever annoyed at some of the stuff in that list?  Jealousies, selfish ambitions, envy....really????? Right next to murder and all that junk?  YIKES!  Not that I've ever been jealous or selfish or envious or anything....

But I have the power to leave that behind me and walk in the Spirit and bear fruit FOR HIS GLORY.  I just have to choose it every. single. day.

But the way that I choose it is to wait on Him (Acts 1:8), and to askHim to hook me up! (Luke 11:13)   Ask to be filled.  BEG to be filled.  Like the rain storm I so craved all day, I will not be satisfied with the signs that it's going to happen.  I won't be satisfied with a sprinkling.  I have to wait and ask until I receive the deluge that overwhelms my soul and empowers me to walk and not faint or grow weary (I'm not quite sure what running looks like yet, Im still just working on walking without fainting).  Cool thing is, He doesn't tease me like my storm today did.  He is just waiting to fill my hands with His good gifts.  I just have to ask.  I have to get my eyes off of my scars, off of my mistakes, off of the mistakes and hurts of others, and ASK....BEG.

And the times when I have actually gotten this right, and I have sat at His feet, He really has done cool stuff.  He really has born fruit that brought HIS NAME glory.  And it was beautiful.  Pray for me, okay?  I really want to sit down in His lap and watch Him make me a conduit of His love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.  Cause I sure can't manufacture those on my own!  But when Im empty of me and full of Him....well, I cant wait to see what that might look like.