Walking with Scars

Tonight I am sitting here listening to the storm that finally decided to roll through while I think about Galatians 5:16-26.  All day this storm has teased me.  Have you ever just felt the NEED for a good rain.  I have felt my soul aching to have the thoughts that roll through my head washed away.  I have watched the sky darken in the distance and the wind pick up, only to peter out into nothing.  Twice, it began to sprinkle.  But stopped short of the deluge I was so wishing for.  As the kids and I walked out of Costco, I could SMELL the rain.  Like, I stopped them and made them close their eyes and sniff.  We blocked the traffic of people trying to get their receipts checked so they can go home, but I didn't care.  And the kids faces lit up.  They could smell it too!!!!!!!!  We were all just a little bit too giddy, if I can be honest.  We walked out into a few drops of rain....and then that was it.  I went back to checking the sky between dishes and dinner making and vacuuming and Bible story reading.  Nothing.

Then the sun went down, the wind picked up, and now I can hear it pouring.  It's raining enough to make an impact on my soul even if I can't see it.

My heart has been heavy today.  Ever had that kind of day?  Nothing is really any heavier than yesterday.  But it just feels heavy.  There IS some stuff going on, in all honesty, but nothing that I have any reason to be concerned with.  I mean, my Jesus is on the throne.  He is in charge and I am safe.  He is also loving and faithful and His banner over me is LOVE.  I BELONG.  I am not forsaken.  I am treasured and adored apart from my performance and perceived self-worth.  I am beloved in spite of my epic failures.  I am wanted even though He sees all the way into my yuck.  I know these things are true.  And I know that because they are true, nothing is really that big of a deal.  For reals.  I am not just saying that.  But, also for reals, I'm kinda not feeling it.  Knowledge and feelings don't always come together in my head.  And so my soul waits for a deluge in the form of an actual rain storm to rinse away the blah of my soul today.

But oh!  This is the cry of my heart!  I need a deluge not for my skin and my physical senses, but for my soul.  I need the Holy Spirit to pour over me.  My soul won't be overwhelmed by a darkening of the sky, by the smell of it, by a small sprinkling.  My soul needs to poured over by His Spirit!  Like NEEDS it.  I am so verse 17 way more often than I want to admit to.  There is such a war in me.  I don't really struggle (too much anyway) with wanting to be nice to people or do "the right thing"....my struggle is uglier than that.  I struggle with rejection. I have been hurt in my past.  In the not so distance past.  Today.  And I am tired of trying to walk through life pretending that I haven't.  Jesus has healed me FOR SURE.  And I am so thankful for that.  His blood is the most precious thing in the universe and I am so thankful that He held out His hands to me and welcomed me in.  But a serious wound that has been healed will leave a scar.  And I have had some serious wounds.  Which means I have some scars.  And it's okay to have scars.

Those of us that have born babes can attest.  Scars, stretch marks, they are just part of the territory.  You can spend all of your energy trying to return your body to the shape and size that it once was, but its mostly futile.  And really, why do we want to go back?  Aren't our precious little babes worth the rearranging of our bodies?

I feel like I spend way too much time trying to return my soul's figure to what I think in my mind it should look like (which, in keeping with the post baby body analogy, is probably not even realistic anyway).  Am I making any sense at all here?  Why am I trying to fight against my scars and stretch marks and pretend they don't exist???  I am who I am.  Each thing I have been through, regardless of the pain, has been allowed by a loving Father and has shaped me into who I am.  And it's not like I think I am so great or anything, just that I am who I am.  God has put me together exactly like He has and He wants to use me like this.  Scars and all.  They are reminders of who I used to be.  Reminders of who I so easily become when I am not mindful of Jesus and all that He has done on my behalf.  Reminders of who I am when I am not living full of His Spirit.

And I need to see what I look like when I don't walk in His Spirit.

Verse 25 kinda rocked me today.  If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.  I am no Bible scholar but it seems to me like these are separate and distinct.  I can be saved (living in the Spirit...total gift from Jesus to me) but it is different and distinct to be WALKING in the Spirit.  OUCH.  So I can be totally saved and totally a loser.  Bummer.  A very large bummer.

But I love that Jesus didn't dangle impossible demands over me and say there ya go, Jo.  Have fun with that.

NO WAY!

He left me with a Helper! (John 14)  I am not alone in this walk.  And because of His Spirit, I can walk free of legalism AND free from the bondage of the junk in verses 19-21.  Anybody out there ever annoyed at some of the stuff in that list?  Jealousies, selfish ambitions, envy....really????? Right next to murder and all that junk?  YIKES!  Not that I've ever been jealous or selfish or envious or anything....

But I have the power to leave that behind me and walk in the Spirit and bear fruit FOR HIS GLORY.  I just have to choose it every. single. day.

But the way that I choose it is to wait on Him (Acts 1:8), and to askHim to hook me up! (Luke 11:13)   Ask to be filled.  BEG to be filled.  Like the rain storm I so craved all day, I will not be satisfied with the signs that it's going to happen.  I won't be satisfied with a sprinkling.  I have to wait and ask until I receive the deluge that overwhelms my soul and empowers me to walk and not faint or grow weary (I'm not quite sure what running looks like yet, Im still just working on walking without fainting).  Cool thing is, He doesn't tease me like my storm today did.  He is just waiting to fill my hands with His good gifts.  I just have to ask.  I have to get my eyes off of my scars, off of my mistakes, off of the mistakes and hurts of others, and ASK....BEG.

And the times when I have actually gotten this right, and I have sat at His feet, He really has done cool stuff.  He really has born fruit that brought HIS NAME glory.  And it was beautiful.  Pray for me, okay?  I really want to sit down in His lap and watch Him make me a conduit of His love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.  Cause I sure can't manufacture those on my own!  But when Im empty of me and full of Him....well, I cant wait to see what that might look like.