Hello from Colorado! Fall has melted into winter more quickly than I had anticipated, but it's been beautiful. We drove up to Rocky Mountain National Park for Christians birthday and just enjoyed a peaceful gorgeous picnic on Bear Lake. It was a blast, and thankfully the lake did not live up to its name.
Family life is great but spiritually, well, here is just a peek into the ways that Jesus is kicking my butt these days.
Psalm 106:9 says
"So He led them through the depths, as through the wilderness.."
That could sort of be my life verse this last year. There's been a little bit of drama, for sure, and it has felt like "the depths" at times. But even in the darkest places of this past year, in the fog of not understanding why I was in ICU, where is my husband, why can't I lay on my back??? Even in the darkest questions of my heart, why is this happening, why is this happening again, why AGAIN, why can't I just feel normal again...
He has sustained me.
He has led me through "the depths" by His righteous right hand. And I have the mysterious beauty of holding His hand in contrast with the pain of continuing on in this season pulling at each other. I don't want to be in pain, but I have so enjoyed sitting in His lap and being shushed by His beautiful melodies.
But as I have begun to feel the shift of the seasons spiritually, I feel like I am moving into something new, and downright terrifying.
The death of the self life.
This last year has taught me that I don't need health or physical comfort to enjoy Gods peace and joy and beauty. But as I leave "the depths" and enter into this new season with a sputtering start, I have balked at what is before me.
IT IS EASIER TO DENY THE FLESH WHEN IT IS AFFLICTED. When I was in pain, it was easier to deny my self. Because my self wasn't feeling so hot. I could easily see that I had no place of refuge to run to besides the arms of my Savior.
But now, as things ease up a bit, do I immediately run to my Refuge? Am I as desperate as I was this last year?
I should be, because I'm a wretch.
Everywhere I look in my time with Jesus, He is teaching me about what it looks like to walk with Him in the power of HIS SPIRIT.
Everywhere I turn in my time with the Lord, there are plumb lines to hold my life up to and see how much I need Him.
The plumb lines are not there to condemn me and make me feel less than some standard. They are there to show me what is actively ruling in my life
Self or the Spirit
I keep running into things like 1 Corinthians 13
2 Timothy 1:13
2:14
Titus 2 & 3
1peter 3:8-9
These are each plumb lines that show me whether or not I am empowered by His Spirit or trying to do it on my own.
It has beautifully defined for me what the battle of the Christian life really is. It has reminded me that although I'm weary, there is a battle that needs to be fought. There is a goal worth keeping my eyes on.
And honestly IT IS TIRING TO CONTINUE TO FIGHT TOWARDS THE GOAL.
When Paul said he was pressing on towards the upward call, pressing on toward the goal, I don't know why I pictured a walk along a grassy meadow with butterflies flitting about and sunshine filtering the light into a perfect set of warm tones. Oh my gosh, I am so dumb.
PRESSING ON. This is implying an upward climb, a struggle, a difficult walk. I picture in my mind a ship pushing into the middle of a hurricane, everything soaked, the ship practically on its side at times, people being tossed about. Actually, I have this image in my mind of Jack Sparrow from the first Pirates movie (debatably the only decent one of the trilogy) guiding his ship through that insane storm towards Isla de Muerta after the Black Pearl. The lightning is cracking the sky open, the rain is a deluge, the men barely hanging on to the sides of the ship. And there's jack, smiling. Smiling, because as he pressed INto the storm, he knew he was gaining ground.
Yes, I did just compare the apostle Paul to Jack Sparrow. Sue me. I'm an imagery person. On a side note, so was Ezekiel and man did God use some imagery with him! I'm so glad Jesus knows us and speaks to us how we need to hear it. Rabbit trail.
Now, I don't actually think Jack Sparrow is anything like Paul, but I hope you get what I'm saying. That's the imagery. Smiling into the storm, understanding that what you're gaining is far more than the accumulation of the difficulties taking place at the moment. The storm in the movie was the vehicle to get him where he needed to go, and faster. Our storms can do the same.
The crux of the matter is this:
WILL WE DENY SELF LONG ENOUGH TO SEE THAT THIS LIFE ISNT ABOUT US?
Yes, Jesus loves us. He stinking died for us. I think it's clear that He loves us. And He does have a beautiful plan for our lives. Hello, we have the beautiful hope of heaven lining the majesty of His creation. Regardless of circumstance, we can see that his plans for us are beautiful.
BUT WHAT IF HIS PLANS FOR US, WHAT IF THE BEAUTY IN THEM, IS NOT SUNSHINE AND RAINBOWS?
What if the beautiful plan He has is to use us to display His grace to the world?
WHAT IF THAT HURTS?
Will we deny the self life that seeks it's own comfort?
Reading through Ezekiel has been so challenging this last week! So many times, God has him do some crazy stuff JUST TO BE A PICTURE TO PEOPLE WHO WERENT EVEN GOING TO LISTEN OR REPENT YET.
God knew they would eventually look back and remember and repent but Ezekiel's job was to be the picture NOW regardless of what Ezekiel saw as fruit of the situation.
Oh, how many times I have argued with God lately that what He is asking me to do is pointless. No one cares. No one is listening. The only ones that care would care even if I did nothing, so what's the point.
And He has spoken to my heart:
Do it anyway. Ezekiel 3:3
It's not about you.
Don't look at their faces. (Ezekiel 2:6-8)
Don't be dismayed.
It MAY BE that someone will listen
Even if the only fruit is the joy of obedience, do it.
The main point:
GET OVER YOURSELF JO
This life is not about you
Deny yourself.
Deny your rights
Deny your need to feel like someone approves of you or cares.
Do this thing I'm asking NOT because you understand it or because it will produce much fruit. DO IT BECAUSE I ASKED YOU TO, I HAVE A PLAN, AND ONLY MY PLEASURE MATTERS.
Ouchie.
Set aside self.
And what happens when we choose NOT to set aside self?
Well it reminded me of King David when he chose not to go out to war in the spring when all the kings were supposed to. He was tired of war. He wanted to sit down and rest. But this life isn't time to rest!
The story starts in 2 Samuel 11:1, but basically, he chose to stay home because he was tired. He wanted a staycation and if God wasn't going to give it to him, he was going to take it! And what follows is sin and death and a breach in the sweet fellowship he had with God. God brought forgiveness and beauty to the story, but there was so much destroyed in the process that David realized that battling until his last breath would be better than walking a path that God hadn't chosen for him. He had to give up his "rights" and trust that battling every moment of this life if that was Gods plan was better than walking outside of fellowship with God.
We don't get to pick how we bring glory to God. We just get to pick whether or not we stick to his path. And sticking to His oath means giving up control, means saying goodbye to the self-life.
And it's hard to give up the self life. It's HARD.
But anything worth doing in life,
Anything scripture clearly lays out,
ITS HARD TO MAINTAIN
Unity
Peace
Not walking in the flesh
Prayer life
All of it cannot be done without constantly checking back in with the Spirit. Checking in with God in a continual surrender.
I think in fact that this is part of what Jesus meant when He said to pray without ceasing. We should just be having a life-long constant RELATIONSHIP with Him. As we seek to be free of selfishness or pride or anger or whatever we are struggling with, we are spending more time with Him. And that's not a bad thing!
So the duh moment for me right now is this:
It's okay that even after a season of suffering, I still have to come to Him to teach me daily what it means to BE LONGSUFFERING.
It's okay that I don't have it yet.
Paul said
"Not that I have attained but I press on towards the goal"
That dude certainly had it way more together than ME! But even he said he hasn't arrived.
After this last season where He spoke so much into my heart and life, I feel almost as if I should be more grown up or something. And hopefully I have grown a little, but that's not the point.
MAYBE GROWING IS THE REALIZATION THAT WE ARE IMMATURE
Maybe the most mature people in life are those that are aware of their own immaturity because then they can take that immaturity to the Lord and submit it to Him. And ya know what? After they do, they'll have to do it again, or they'll find another area that needs to be submitted.
What I'm saying is just this:
It's okay to be constantly aware that we fall short.
Because we do. It's what we do with the realization of ourselves, of how much the self life is on the throne of our hearts, of how much of our lives wouldn't change if the Holy Spirit departed...it's what we DO with that that matters.
What do you do when faced with your utter depravity?
Are we defensive and begin making excuses?
Are we crushed by the disappointment of realizing that we aren't as good as we thought we were?
Or do we turn to our Jesus in thankfulness not just for the cross that allows the grace to be saved at all but also in thankfulness that He has shown us where we have fallen short as well as given us the Resource to fly with Him again (the Holy Spirit)?
Are we thankful that He has shown us how we can grow?
The beginning to denying the self life is to realize life isn't about ME. So that's where I'm at.
Spiritually, I'm a wreck. I'm a crazy sinner and dude I've been desperate for Him!
Physically, I'm doing a bit better. I can get out of the chair in the corner for longer periods of time and if I'm careful not to overdo it, I can school the kids and make SOME food. If you're into praying for me, I'd love prayer to get better and better though. Cause I'd love to clean my house again. I'd love to sew and sled down a snowy hill with my kiddos without pain. But, all in all, things are really very much better than they were a month ago.
And pray for me to live in brokenness with Jesus on the throne instead of my self-life ruling the day. That is what I need most of all!
No comments:
Post a Comment