Today they will go in and make room for the prosthetic piece of bone that they had custom designed for my head. They will put in some metal plates (I'll be a real metal head! Haha!) and then screws to hold the piece in place and hopefully it will be a quick procedure. About two hours or so. I should be in the hospital anywhere from 2-5 days. Easy peasy.
Except not easy peasy. I am petrified. I am absolutely terrified. No one knows better than me after three surgeries what to expect after the fourth. I am in for a lot of pain and after it eases I will still need medication and not be able to resume any level of normalcy for 4-6 weeks. There's always the chance of worse pain than when I began. And staph. Yeah staph stinks. And this whole week I have just been quietly panicking inside.
I don't want to do this.
I can't seem to find a way that I can get out of it but I don't want to do this. I want to just be done with the pain and the difficulties and just have a normal skull. I intellectually understand that isn't possible but still my mind is rejecting this with all it's might. The way you must force yourself not to step back from a very high cliff's edge, I must make myself stare into the face of this surgery even though my body and mind are raging against it.
Sorry to be negative. I truly know all the "right" things to say and feel. But sometimes the reality of the situation comes barging into our doctrine and we are forced to reexamine.
I've done a lot of that. And it's been good.
The thing that has stuck out to me this week is how good Gods word is. It is a beautiful anchor to the soul, just like Hebrews promises. It has kept me from capsizing in this storm and I am so thankful for it.
Yesterday I had this imagery in my head of a shepherd and his sheep up on the hills. The shepherd uses his sheep dogs to help herd the sheep away from the edge of dangerous cliffs and towards those proverbial still waters. They help the shepherd keep the sheep safe and going in the right direction.
And it hit me! God is my shepherd. For sure. He is looking out for me and loves me and has my best interest at heart. But the imagery that really stuck out to me were those sheep dogs. I feel like God's word is like those sheep dogs. As I read and receive words from His word that are for me for this time, they act like those dogs, keeping from the dangerous cliffs of doubt and anger, guiding toward the still waters of His peace and refreshment. They won't LET me go the wrong way. Every time I feel like I'm lost, there are my verses, special words for me, that don't let me wallow in self pity and despair. What a treasure!
Sometimes, honestly, I don't want to be herded. That pit of despair looks awfully great right now. That cliff of doubt doesn't look too dangerous. But no, Gods word won't let that happen. He will remind me of His word as I begin to stray towards the edge and He won't let me go. His word will keep me safe.
I could get into the reason why each of these verses is special to me for this season but that's not the point. The point is, He is shepherding me with His word. And He promises to do the same for you.
Some of these I mined out myself. Some were given. Some were words spoken in times of worship. But regardless of how they came to me, they are mine.
And so I challenge you, do you let Gods word shepherd you? Do you receive a word fitly spoken by our Savior into your life? It isn't easy. It's easier to feel sorry for yourself. Trust me, I know. But not in the long run. In the long run it is better to stay following the Shepherd who knows where the peace and joy is. So yeah, those are my jumbled, lack of sleep, pre-op thoughts. Hope it makes sense. Thank you for praying for me and for everything! You guys have been amazing on this journey.
