This month, I have been just plain overwhelmed. I'm still healing at the speed of snail over here. Slow and steady wins the race though, right? But with that comes the daily pain that I'm not sure I remember how to live without. And for reals it is a lot of pain most days. And that pain has been a struggle to work through for me. I've been struggling with the "how comes" and the "whys" that go along with it. Why can't I get better? Why can't I play with my kids and do the things that I love to do? Why can't I just sit without my head feeling like there's a light saber sticking through it (can you tell my kids love Star Wars a little too much). But for reals. And then it's one thing after another. Seth got so sick. He's not just allergic to a billion things, but we have been in and out of the doctors offices and pediatric gastroenterologists and immunologists and the kids is a mess. Daily debilitating GI issues. Every meal I make is crazy complicated. And he has borderline rheumatoid arthritis.
ARTHRITIS.
At age seven. It's an autoimmune version of arthritis which his doctor says makes sense because he has my same genetic defect that makes it very difficult to clear away inflammation and that is a recipe for autoimmune disorders of all kinds. And me? Well, I'm a hot mess myself. My biggest concern right now is that there is a very good chance that they will have to redo at least part of my skull surgery. I have until next month to try to improve, but basically the scar tissue has formed weirdly and is pushing one of the four screws in my head out. Like you can feel the screw sticking out of my head. It's crazy. And painful. And eventually it will break through the skin. (I've got a screw loose....HAHAHAHA!) so anyway, fun times.
And as these things have come up, I've just felt like a surfer caught in the impact zone. I just get a breath and I'm pummeled down again under the surface for some more spin cycle in the washing machine that the ocean has turned into. I've felt a bit starved for air. And as I prayed, the Lord clearly showed me that
WHAT I WAS REALLY STARVING FOR WAS HOPE.
Not necessarily hope that one day Seth and I won't hurt anymore. Although that's what I thought I needed. But in that quiet place he whispered to me that what I really needed was HOPE...
HOPE in His grace
HOPE in his mercy
HOPE in His promise to return
HOPE in His promise to work all things together for good
HOPE that this life might include pain but that it is never pain without purpose
HOPE that this place of pain can be our secret meeting place where he will keep whispering beauty into my life
HOPE in his beautiful crazy awesome bomb character!
HOPE IN HIM
And I sat there and begged Him to give that hope that I didn't realize I even need apart from Him, He has handed it to me. Nothing is really better. When I left the house this morning to study for women's Bible study, Seth was doubled over in stomach pain. His joints hurt today really bad. My head has hurt worse the past two days than it has in over a month.
BUT I HAVE HOPE!
And it just reminds me of what my friend was sharing with me this week. Psalm 84 is such a bomb Psalm. Like go now. Read it. For reals. Go. Then come back. It's worth the read. The whole thing blows me away every time. It is honestly one of my absolute favorite places in all of Scripture. But verses 5-7 are what have rocked my world through my friend. It talks about going through valleys of weeping but verse 7 says
"...they go from strength to strength..."
And my friend challenged me in that. We WILL have valleys and mountain top experiences. We know this is true in the Christian walk, right? But we have a choice:
Do we:
Go from sorrow to sorrow, from valley to valley, is our focus our difficulties to difficulties?
OR
Do we go from strength to strength?
And I was blown away. Whoa. That is my problem! When I end up on a mountain top I expect to stay on that mountain top. I expect to live there and never have a valley season. And when I walk through the valley of the SHADOW of death (and I forget it's only a shadow...death can't touch me), I get all wimpy and whiney and feel like I will never again see a mountain top. Am I the only one that does this? Hook a sister up with some honesty here please so I know I'm not alone!
BUT what if we choose to look at the way the Lord has designed the Christian walk to look like and accept the mountain tops AND the valleys? What if we CHOOSE to say that the mountain tops, the strength seasons, are our home? What if we stop making our home in the valleys of weeping and see it as a step towards His face?
WHAT IF WE GO FROM STRENGTH TO STRENGTH?!?
From beauty to beauty
From whispers of grace to whispers of love
What if we make our home base His strength, His love, His face? Then we won't be thrown when the circumstances rock us. Like our sweet Savior in the bottom of the boat, we can rest in the storms of life knowing that He will bring us through to the other side.
Let's go from strength to strength and see His face and find His hope!
P.s. Thank you so much to each of you that have prayed for us and texted me and messages me and just shown so much love. Your encouragement has meant so much more to me than you will ever know this side of heaven.
