But this isn't a sunshine and rainbows post. Sorry about that.
The the last three weeks have stunk. Well, the first two weren't too bad. Healing was going normal and pain meds are expected and originally the surgeon said I would be back around 60% normal by four weeks so I was looking forward to that.
Well, one of the first things he told Christian after telling him everything went okay was to not expect a quick recovery like we originally thought. The tumor was 2.5 cm large. Not too shabby as far as things go. But when he got in there I guess the bone surrounding it was deformed as well and he had to take 4 cm instead. Oh you know just almost twice as much. No biggie. Well, I guess it's a biggie because they had to cut different/more muscles and there's just plain a bigger hole in the back of my head (don't worry they filled it in with cement...now I can be like Charlie Brown and be a real block head haha).
So anyway, this recovery has not been the pretty easy recovery that we originally thought. Yes, I knew it would hurt and be confining, but I thought it would be beginning to lift by now. My doctor gave me a prescription for NINE more weeks of pain meds. Nine. Like, I might need that. And he said to let him know if I need more. He flat out said he has no idea how long this will take to be healed. Um yeah, I don't think so buddy. I don't even take tylenol when I have a headache!
So I decided yesterday that I was done with the meds and all the dumb side effects (there are a trillion and I have half of them). Yeah that went well. I was a ball of crying goo on my bed until Christian made me take more medicine. He's a good man, that Christian Slye. So we are going to go down to half pills and hope I can grin and bear it. Those stairs in my house though, whoo boy! Those are tough are though man. I've always loved living in a two story house cause it makes my legs look good (vain moment) but these days not so much.
Sorry for the bummer of a post but I owe you guys an update and I am not going to lie to your cute cyber faces. This stinks.
I am still thankful that my babies are well and healthy.
I am still thankful for friends and for family and food and a house to live in and a job that Christian can work his tooshy off at so we can eat and a sweet church family.
And so much more!
But I'll be honest.
Today I want a regular head that does hurt every time I breathe.
Today I want my mommy.
Today I want to stay home with my husband and just cry and pray and wait for four more months to pass (that's the soonest date they're giving us).
Today I want to get back in bed and sleep and hope like Aurora to awaken when all has been made right. (Are my Disney roots showing there a little?)
And today I read this:
I am reading in Genesis 37. Joseph was being a smarty pants and told his brothers about his dreams. Then his dad sends him along to check on the boys (smart thinking there daddy-o) and the brothers decided to put an end to Joseph's dreams. They decide to kill him but then later put him in slavery and figure that's the end of that. But it wasn't. Gods plans are too big. He is too great of a God.
What does this have to do with me? Well, I feel a bit like I'm in that pit, useless to anyone, unwanted, unneeded. (Sorry, I told you Funshine Bear wasn't making an appearance in this post).
You see, I feel like Jesus has given me dream and visions. Like straight up real ones. Crazy ones. But I'm over here in a pit. Crying like a whiney baby (not like the cute little one that Courtney and Micah just had but like the wailing won't stop annoying kind).
If I've been given dreams and visions and callings then what am I doing in a bed with a 4cm hole in my skull watching the world go by me. And (here's some crazy honest Jo) why does it HURT SO MUCH!? I'll be honest here guys, I am in some pain.
But the Lord spoke sweetly to me (okay, He had to holler to be heard over my caterwauling) That pit is not forever. And the pit is a step to the place where Jesus gets the glory.
Will I walk into the pain that will bring Him glory? Would I NOW, knowing all the ACTUAL pain, because we all know there's a difference, would I NOW walk into this?
I'm not afraid to die or even have cancer. I'm most afraid to be unable to help those who need the touch of Jesus. Will I walk into even that if that is where His steps take me? Will I sit in a pit and let Him be God and do His thing and stop charging Him around?!? I am so stupid at times. Okay, a lot of times but that's not the point.
The point is, Jesus kept His promise to meet me in the operating room. I firmly believe he met my doctor there too. I don't know how but he was different afterwards. Jesus has given us all we need. I just have to quit crying in the pit.
Looks like there's a long road that might be ahead. Anyone want to road trip with me?
All I know is that I heard my enemy say this morning, "let's see what becomes of those dreams now?" And I don't want him to win. Cause he stinks. I'm not even sure I'm making sense. I'm in a lot of pain and I've heard that can affect things. I should just press erase. I already have once.
But I need you guys.
And I think we need each other. I think we are each in a pit of some form or another: a wayward child, a child with cancer, a marriage falling apart, a relationship with something we love severed, wherever we are. It's our pit. And it stinks. And it's lonely. But we are not alone. We have Immanuel, which means "God with us." He is there with us!
And our pit it not pointless. Read the rest of Jospehs story. Each moment is pivotal. Each movement changes and affects things and brings about the most beautiful ending. We just have to get to the ending. We just have to not give up. We just have to not give in the to enemy's lies that the dreams God has given won't come true. Believe in your Jesus today. Even from the bottom of the pit.
And we have each other. These pits aren't forever. My head will heal and I will get to see people again and hug them for Jesus (I miss that most, just being WITH people and loving them and giving them coffee and cookies in the name of Jesus).
Someday, we will step into the dreams that He has given each one of us, to foster a child, to love an unbelieving family member, to again hold the baby that you lost. Jesus is a dream giver AND a dream fulfiller.
Please pray for me to hang on to these truths today okay? I think we all need them.
