From Strength to Strength

I know it has been a while since I last posted.  Things have been going about the same and I have just been curling into the folds of the robe of our great God and Savior as we weather out this storm.  And I've been a whiney-pants, and who really wants to hear all of that all the time right?  Well thankfully Jesus wants to hear all of my whining so He can turn my gaze upward and fill me with hope.  I am so grateful that He is a caring loving God.

This month, I have been just plain overwhelmed.  I'm still healing at the speed of snail over here.  Slow and steady wins the race though, right?  But with that comes the daily pain that I'm not sure I remember how to live without.  And for reals it is a lot of pain most days.  And that pain has been a struggle to work through for me.  I've been struggling with the "how comes" and the "whys" that go along with it.  Why can't I get better?  Why can't I play with my kids and do the things that I love to do?  Why can't I just sit without my head feeling like there's a light saber sticking through it (can you tell my kids love Star Wars a little too much).  But for reals.  And then it's one thing after another.  Seth got so sick. He's not just allergic to a billion things, but we have been in and out of the doctors offices and pediatric gastroenterologists and immunologists and the kids is a mess.  Daily debilitating GI issues.  Every meal I make is crazy complicated. And he has borderline rheumatoid arthritis.  

ARTHRITIS.  

At age seven. It's an autoimmune version of arthritis which his doctor says makes sense because he has my same genetic defect that makes it very difficult to clear away inflammation and that is a recipe for autoimmune disorders of all kinds. And me?  Well, I'm a hot mess myself.  My biggest concern right now is that there is a very good chance that they will have to redo at least part of my skull surgery. I have until next month to try to improve, but basically the scar tissue has formed weirdly and is pushing one of the four screws in my head out. Like you can feel the screw sticking out of my head. It's crazy. And painful. And eventually it will break through the skin. (I've got a screw loose....HAHAHAHA!) so anyway, fun times. 

And as these things have come up, I've just felt like a surfer caught in the impact zone. I just get a breath and I'm pummeled down again under the surface for some more spin cycle in the washing machine that the ocean has turned into. I've felt a bit starved for air.  And as I prayed, the Lord clearly showed me that 

WHAT I WAS REALLY STARVING FOR WAS HOPE.

Not necessarily hope that one day Seth and I won't hurt anymore. Although that's what I thought I needed. But in that quiet place he whispered to me that what I really needed was HOPE...

HOPE in His grace

HOPE in his mercy

HOPE in His promise to return

HOPE in His promise to work all things together for good

HOPE that this life might include pain but that it is never pain without purpose 

HOPE that this place of pain can be our secret meeting place where he will keep whispering beauty into my life

HOPE in his beautiful crazy awesome bomb character!

HOPE IN HIM

And I sat there and begged Him to give that hope that I didn't realize I even need apart from Him, He has handed it to me.  Nothing is really better. When I left the house this morning to study for women's Bible study, Seth was doubled over in stomach pain. His joints hurt today really bad. My head has hurt worse the past two days than it has in over a month.  

BUT I HAVE HOPE!

And it just reminds me of what my friend was sharing with me this week. Psalm 84 is such a bomb Psalm.  Like go now. Read it. For reals. Go. Then come back. It's worth the read.  The whole thing blows me away every time. It is honestly one of my absolute favorite places in all of Scripture.  But verses 5-7 are what have rocked my world through my friend. It talks about going through valleys of weeping but verse 7 says

"...they go from strength to strength..."

And my friend challenged me in that. We WILL have valleys and mountain top experiences. We know this is true in the Christian walk, right?  But we have a choice:

Do we:

Go from sorrow to sorrow, from valley to valley, is our focus our difficulties to difficulties?

OR

Do we go from strength to strength?

And I was blown away.  Whoa. That is my problem!  When I end up on a mountain top I expect to stay on that mountain top. I expect to live there and never have a valley season. And when I walk through the valley of the SHADOW of death (and I forget it's only a shadow...death can't touch me), I get all wimpy and whiney and feel like I will never again see a mountain top.  Am I the only one that does this?  Hook a sister up with some honesty here please so I know I'm not alone!

BUT what if we choose to look at the way the Lord has designed the Christian walk to look like and accept the mountain tops AND the valleys?  What if we CHOOSE to say that the mountain tops, the strength seasons, are our home?  What if we stop making our home in the valleys of weeping and see it as a step towards His face?

WHAT IF WE GO FROM STRENGTH TO STRENGTH?!?

From beauty to beauty

From whispers of grace to whispers of love

What if we make our home base His strength, His love, His face?  Then we won't be thrown when the circumstances rock us. Like our sweet Savior in the bottom of the boat, we can rest in the storms of life knowing that He will bring us through to the other side.  

Let's go from strength to strength and see His face and find His hope!  

P.s. Thank you so much to each of you that have prayed for us and texted me and messages me and just shown so much love. Your encouragement has meant so much more to me than you will ever know this side of heaven. 

He Will Meet Me

Well this week has been a roller coaster for sure.  Things have gotten a bit gnarly around here with our health and it's been just plain DIFFICULT.  Sorry for the downer of a beginning but I promise it gets better.  Stick with me for a minute okay? 

So, more research while I'm waiting for my follow up with the immunologist has shown that this genetic mutation is kind of a big deal. I have two separate ones that are both doing different damage and I can't really do much about it. I can take supplements to boost my antioxidants but really the issue is that my body doesn't clear away inflammation as it should. It also doesn't clear my body of toxins the way it should. Oh and I can't process chemicals in my body like serotonin and dopamine and all kinds of other stuff. And this is on the cellular level. Every single cell in my entire body has this problem wired in to it.  Then there's all the horrific stuff that happens as you get older if you have this defect: Parkinson's, Alzheimer's, MS, pulmonary embolisms, blah blah, blah.  Really it's so uplifting to read about.  I'm at this place where I am taking a break from looking further into it though.  I need a break from trying to figure things out. If I really believe God is in control, then I should be able to step away from this for a few days. 

Seth has also taken a turn for the worse in his health. He's always been a bit like me, first to get sick, stay sick longer, intolerant of certain foods.  Well, his IBS is crazy acting up this week.  We had taken him to get tested for true food allergies a couple of weeks ago and they called me Friday to say that they couldn't discuss it over the phone but to absolutely stay away from CARROTS (yes I said carrots.  Weird right?) and fish and peanuts and tomatoes and tree nuts and limit gluten. And she said the rest of the foods we could talk about when we come in. Well, considering that I had JUST given him a giant carrot juice the day before and a bunch of carrot sticks ( they're his favorite vegetable) and then followed that up with trail mix, it was now not surprising that he had a tummy ache and threw up that night. Well, pray for him because he has had a rough few days. He hasn't been able to eat much but it's not the flu because no one else is sick and he has no other symptoms and it started directly after the high contact with those foods he is crazy allergic to.  Sigh. 

So, the last few days, I have literally just been crying and trying to get a glimpse of the face of my Jesus. Because intellectually, I know the right answers. In fact, I've given myself strong biblical counseling all week!  But honestly, it has felt hollow.  I'm not trying to be disrespectful to my awesome Jesus here, because He rocks.  But MY heart was off. And I could feel it.  

It felt so much like when I was wandering through post parthum depression and I would read my Bible and pray but the fog and the haze just wasn't lifting. Like, I was standing there with my staff ready to part the Red Sea of depression! and it was just staying a regular old sea.  And I couldn't figure out why my faith wasn't enough to get the job done.  I'm not saying these are good things to think, just being honest about the deep places of my heart.  But as the weeks went by, He did the lifting.  He did the miracle.  Not in my timing but in HIS.  And He pulled me up out of there!

Yesterday I reached that breaking point of "I can't handle all of this!"  Everything I feed Seth hurts him and he just cries. And I don't even have a full list of things he can eat. He's lost weight noticeably in the last few days. I know I also have some major allergies that they won't be able to give me the details about until APRIL 9TH. APRIL 9TH!!!  That's three weeks away!  And eating foods I'm allergic to causes inflammation in my body and my body can't clear it so it just does more damage and it's just this cycle of frustration. My head feels awful still because my body has trouble healing. It just always will. And so, in a fog of frustration I just gave up yesterday and cried. 

Why don't I get to the giving up point FASTER!?!?!

But you know what?  THERE WASNT ANY RED SEA-PARTING GOING ON!!!

I reached the end of me. I gave up. And I did not feel better. The fog did not lift. I didn't suddenly feel giddy about Gods promises for me. 

But I did find the strength to keep hanging on. Like we read this morning if you're in the one year bible, simeon was chillin WAITING for the promise that God had given.

 Just because he obeyed well and was waiting doesn't mean God was all "here, let's just do this now since you've been so good."  No way!!! God had a perfect time table and Simeon was just waiting to meet the Lord...in HIS TIMING.

We have to retrain our minds. It's not that if we do enough of the good stuff God says to do, then He will come and make things right.  No. He has a plan to make all things right, but it is independent from our works.  So why continue to do the good things?  Because it keeps us close to his presence in the waiting. I just think of Simeon...would God have kept his promise to let him see the Christ child before his death if he hadn't been in the temple waiting?  I believe the answer is yes. God would've tracked Simeon down to keep his promise. BUT, as Simeon chose to wait in the temple, he got the BLESSING OF THE PRESENCE OF GOD WHILE HE WAITED FOR THE PROMISES OF GOD TO COME AND MEET HIM.

And I felt like Jesus met me this morning too. 

This just jumped off of the page and began to sing a melody into my soul that I've been straining to hear for weeks!

He is my strength.  My God of mercy SHALL COME TO MEET ME.  

That's the very thing He promised at the beginning of all of this surgery nonsense, before I even knew how messed up my body really was.  AND HE IS REMINDING ME THAT HE KEEPS HIS PROMISES!!!

Do I wish that it was never a struggle to get up and crack open the most awesome love letter ever written to mankind?  Of course!  But sometimes it is. 

And here's my point to all of this:

  I am finding that, just like in that season of post parthum depression, this season isn't going to just lift if I say some magic prayers and do enough right things. Although the good things are good to do, He has a plan I cannot even begin to understand. Doing what is right does not earn me the right to a faster healing!

But there's something even better.  Like with Simeon, as we tarry in His presence, we will find that He comes to meet US!

He meets us with

MERCY

LOVE

NEW LIFE

COMPASSION

HOPE

STRENGTH

COURAGE

GRACE

UNDERSTANDING of His character and nature

Soaring on wings like eagles

NEW PERSPECTIVE

And so much more.

So don't lose heart!  DONT GIVE UP!  Don't ever think that it is pointless to keep moving forward. Don't grow weary in well doing for you WILL reap a reward at the RIGHT time (Galatians 6:9).  Keep seeking His face. Keep placing yourself in His presence like Simeon. Like the children of Israel in 2 chronicles 20, walk out to the battle with the worship out front and watch HIM DEFEAT YOUR ENEMIES.  What are our enemies?  Well one is very obvious but what about self-doubt? Insecurity? Fear of the unknown? Fear of doing something that might not work?  Whatever you're facing, I promise you that 

HE SHALL COME TO MEET YOU!

He met me this morning.  Nothing is better. Seth won't get out of bed and I'm praying about how to handle that. My head is some serious pain. The rest of my heart problems and other weird symptoms are still there.

But my heart...oh my heart is so encouraged. Like a warrior after hearing his general give a rousing speech (I have in my mind the battle from The Lord of the Rings when the one dude is talking outside of the gate to Mordor and he's all, "this is not that day!"....sorry, I'm a bit of a nerd, but not enough of a nerd to remember names) I feel like roaring back and lifting my sword in allegiance.  Like a little hobbit who can't do much of anything in a huge battle, I am lifting my sword and roaring with the army of heaven and I feel ready for Him to do the battle that He is ready to win. 

Ps. I can't wait for this little goober to feel better again! Pray for him okay?  Thanks for hanging in there with me!

Praise sets out first

Oh numbers 9 and 10 are kicking my behind! So much good stuff! But today is an afternoon of sunshine and beautiful babes that fly and skip across my yard so I will be brief.

This:

Numbers 10:14....okay so the Lord has been speaking to my heart about how He leads and how we have to watch and wait for Him.  When the cloud lifts up,we have to move.  If it's lingers long, we have to stay put. Even if it lingers long and we want to move on already (that one hit home hard core) we wait for Him to move. And if He says to move even if it's been a short time, then get up already! There's awesomeness to watch Him do!

Then this morning, this beautiful word.  When the camp packs up, it's the tribe of Judah that packs up first. It goes Judah, then the tabernacle,then the rest.  Why Judah first?  Then it hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks:

Judah means praise. 

PRAISE SETS OUT FIRST

When the presence of the Lord says it's time to move into a new beautiful work (or another beautiful but difficult work) the first thing we are to do is set out our PRAISE. 

I don't know about anyone else but that was a beautiful word for me and so today He brought me to some awesome songs of encouragement and challenge and I sat outside in the sunshine while my kids played and listened to worship music and just enjoyed Jesus. It's been great. My head is killing me and my bathrooms are dirty and my laundry is undone but 

Praise sets out first,

Even when you're just setting out into healing, praise sets out first. There's a few songs I've had on repeat because they just reverberate with truth in my dusty soul and this is one of them:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_JXmKO9Mdbk

Here are the lyrics:

The Becoming 

After the destruction
In the wake of every storm
The sun reveals the suffering
And all I’ve known is gone
Well I can take the rising waves
But when I’m washed up on the shore
Feeling just like driftwood
And nothing makes sense anymore

Jesus meet me
Be everything I need
In the waiting
In the in between
Jesus, hold me
And keep me from running
Cause I don’t want to miss
The beauty of becoming

Something new is growing
I can feel it come alive
In the dead of winter
Spring is on the other side

Jesus meet me
Be everything I need
In the waiting
In the in between
Jesus, hold me
Keep me from running
Cause I don’t want to miss
The beauty of becoming

Give me beauty in the ashes of this pain
Give me water in the wasteland, let it rain
As I wonder, in the darkness, be my guide
Oh Creator Oh Redeemer bring new life

Jesus meet me
Be everything I need
In the waiting
In the in between
Jesus, hold me
Keep me from running
Cause I don’t want to miss
The beauty of becoming

- See more at: http://www.jennysimmons.com/2012/12/19/listen-to-the-title-track-the-becoming/#sthash.t4tulb0B.dpuf

So just in case anyone is wondering what's going on in my heart, there ya go.  My heart is crying out for him to keep me from missing anything beautiful from this painful season.

But I was thinking about how much easier this season has been than others in my life.  It's easy when you have a tumor eating through your skull and threatening your brain to share with others your pain and to ask for help and for prayer.  And because of that I have more support than when things were hard with a family member or a friend or someone from church that was awful to you.  I have more support than when my marriage is struggling and I want to ask for prayer but I don't want anyone to judge me. 

THAT IS LAMESAUCE. 

I need you guys, and we all need each other. So I am begging you to tell me when you need prayer. 

When you want your life to slow down enough to just sit at His feet and worship Him..

When you're overwhelmed at the expectations society has on women and people in general..

When you love your husband but aren't sure you like him..

When you love your kids but you're tired of wiping snot..

When you love your church but hate going because she's there..

When that person in ministry hurts you..

When your job stinks..

When you just plain for no good reason feel ALONE..

Text me, call me, message me, something!  Just because it's not a hole in your head doesn't mean that I don't want to pray for you!  

We are all in the process of BECOMING and we need Jesus to be everything we need. Let's be there for each other okay? We don't want to miss the beauty. 

Ps. This is a tiny bit of the beauty I saw today...my kiddos crack me up. 

Seth declared our front rocks to be his swimming pool and proceeded to cannon ball into it and "swim" all afternoon. I love that kid!

Even Though...

Psalm 46 was just such a beautiful balm to my soul this morning.  Don't you love how God's word has the power to do that?

As I read, it just echoed into the deepest parts of my fears and hurts and anxieties and insecurities. 

Even though...

Even though my head has a huge hole in it; 

even though this has been the second loneliest season of my life since I came to know Jesus; 

even though my head is getting worse and not better and I may need to have the surgery redone; 

even though my heart aches for the family and friends that I have scattered across the country; 

even though there are heart aches and bruised emotions and difficulties that seem to try to sweep me away in the flow of uncertainty...

I will not fear.

It is a CHOICE. I get the choice to say even though these crazy things are happening, I will not fear.  Why? Because

          GOD IS MY REFUGE, STRENGTH, AND HELP

Even though things get gnarly, I'm okay because the Lord is on my side and He is so very good to me.  He promises 

strength when I am weak, 

beauty when I am ugly, 

gladness when my soul wants so desperately to mourn. 

I just have to look up from my circumstances and choose to see his face, choose to see his blessings.  Because they are there. I read an article the other day saying that we as Christians shouldn't use the term "I'm blessed," in response to the beautiful things going on in life because then we are saying that if life isn't beautiful then we aren't blessed.  But that isn't true!  I am blessed if things are good and I am blessed if He counts me worthy to suffer for his name sake.  Every single day is a gift, a blessing from His throne that I get the privilege to pick up and enjoy.

To be honest, there are days where I choose instead to pick up self-pity or weariness or I'm-just-so-over-this-ness.  

But He is teaching me, slow and steady, to chill and trust and find the beauty in the day.  And there is so much beauty in the everyday! 

The kids have been awesome. Homeschool has been taxing but so fabulous! I really missed getting to be so involved with them for two months of their school year!  Abigail is taking a standardized test as we speak at the elementary school near us which is crazy but also awesome.  Pray for her okay? She is so nervous just because it's such a big test and she's out of her comfort zone. She tests all this week.  But anyway, life at home has been so sweet.

Church is also fantastic.  We have such a sweet group of people that care about each other and want to serve and love and worship Jesus and it is just so sweet to see them gather. 

My health? My head? My heart?  Well, here's that update I promised. It gets a bit confusing so I have to be long winded so I am not offended if this is the part of the post where you jump ship.  But just so that it's all written down in a clear manner, here goes nothing.

My head is not better.  I am still in a lot of pain and there are two different kinds of pain. We saw my neurosurgeon and he thinks that there are two possibilities of what is wrong. Both require another surgery.  One surgery would be to clean up scar tissue that is most likely pushing the wire mesh or a screw up out of my skull.  That will eventually need surgery because it is causing lumps in the skull that are pushing out and will break through the skin.  The other issue is that I am just plain in a ton of pain if I don't take any medicine. After describing it to him, he thinks that there's a good chance that the material they put in there to reconstruct my skull with is irritating the leathery protective layer of my brain. So the only way to fix that is to reopen to skull, drill everything out and try again with another material.  There is also the slight chance that because of my heart problems, I'm just healing slower than normal people. Let's all pray for that option, okay?  He gave me another month to make improvement. 

As far as my heart, I have four more tests next week but the general consensus is that my heart problems are contributing to all of my issues but they aren't the underlying cause of them.  Which is good and it's also bad because I'm still dealing with crazy shortness of breath and heart craziness and dizziness and numbness and all kinds of stuff. 

However, Jesus led us to an immunologist (awesome God story there) and we have heard back from the testing they ran. Turns out I'm genetically mutated! Haha!  Okay so here's what they told us.

1. I am super crazy low on B-12 vitamin. Like less than half of what I should be. The low b vitamin all by itself can cause severe fatigue so that's part of an answer. 

2. Since I eat pretty crazy healthy, the fact that I'm deficient in B vitamins is a sign that I have Leaky Gut Syndrome. That basically means my body is up taking things before it should so I can't get the nutrition from my food that I need and also gives me the potential to uptake bad stuff into my bloodstream which causes other issues. He is going to give me vitamin b shots and then check my levels again in six weeks and then address the leaky gut thing at that time.

3. I have a gnarly allergy. I took a skin test and came up clear but my blood draw came back very positive.  Like my levels should have been a 40 IgE and instead they were 460. So I have a hidden allergy somewhere that could definitely be the cause of my heart palpitations and breathing trouble. So they're doing a deeper testing for that, but that's also a partial answer. 

4. I have two genetic mutations that are affecting the way my body deals with inflammation. Which in a nutshell means that when my body has an issue and calls for some T-cells to come hook it up with a bit of inflammation, my body goes crazy overboard and gets way TOO inflamed. So you and I both get a head cold and you get the cold and I get a sinus infection and a double ear infection that won't go away for a month no matter what I do.  That actually makes a ton of sense because I've dealt with that my whole life.  It's also way random so if I my body calls for inflammation in my wrist, my body will send a whole bunch of inflammation wherever it wants to, like in my knee. So of that could be a possible partial answer too. That one however is not fixable. 

So we are looking into the leaky gut and allergen thing because that will really help things and I'm going to take some supplements for the t-cell thing and just try to get back to life.  Because it looks like life just may move slower for me than it used to.  And that's okay. There is beauty in that too.  

Even though I am genetically mutated and deficient and leaky, 

even though my life may always be different, 

even though I may have to repeat this gnarly surgery, 

even though the whole world seems to be coming apart at the edges (like geopolitically, not personally, cause my life way rocks)

I WILL NOT FEAR  

I choose to trust, apart from feelings. And you know what?  I've had more peace in that choice than I have in the last month. Nothing has changed except the direction of my gaze.  I've got that Dominic Balli song in my head

        "Keep my heart humble, kept my gaze high.."

That's the cry of my heart. Lord keep me humble and eyes turned toward the face of my Savior who is coming back for me but is also dwelling with me, my Immanuel.  What a sweet God He is to come and dwell with me in my muck and mire and pull me up and clothe me with His righteousness and peace and mercy and grace and LOVE! Ah! It's so overwhelmingly beautiful!

So let's look at the difficulties in life and say together with excitement "Even though....!" 

Psalm 41:3

This one is a special one for me right now. 

I love how it is the Lord that does the strengthening!  

I cannot muster up enough strength or gitter-done-ness. He is the only One with the power to strengthen me. 

But his awesome undeniable sovereignty is balanced by my responsibility to stay put on that sick bed. Don't get up before He is done doing what He wants to do! 

Before this last couple of months, I wouldn't have understood that. No one just chooses to get up from a sick bed right? Well, if we're not too sick, we can. Hello dayQuill. But even if we are too sick too roll off of that sick bed, to squirm out of the crucible of learning to know His face more, we can choose to check out. To whine. To spend every second wishing it was done! 

But as we settle in to the bed, as we stop fighting the sickness, it is then that we feel His arms, know the sound of His breath, feel the comfort of His song of love sung over us. Oh how I wish I was done with all of this. But I'm not. And the Lord is sweet enough to remind me to press in to Him and stop whining. I really am praying that I will GET it!

Ps. I have a few more doctors appointments this week so I promise I'll give an update soon on things in the health department of my life. Thank you so much for praying for me!

P.p.s. The kids are total troopers!  They've been so great during all of this. They find things to do when I feel badly and I love that we get to do all of this together. And I am so thankful it is ME that is sick and not them.  God is so good!

Promises from the Bottom of the Pit

So it has been three weeks since surgery.  So many things have gone well.  Thank you to everyone who has prayed and walked this with me.  My surgeon rocks and they got all of the tumor out and there hasn't been any infection and people have been so kind to us.

But this isn't a sunshine and rainbows post.  Sorry about that.

The the last three weeks have stunk.  Well, the first two weren't too bad. Healing was going normal and pain meds are expected and originally the surgeon said I would be back around 60% normal by four weeks so I was looking forward to that.

Well, one of the first things he told Christian after telling him everything went okay was to not expect a quick recovery like we originally thought. The tumor was 2.5 cm large.  Not too shabby as far as things go.  But when he got in there I guess the bone surrounding it was deformed as well and he had to take 4 cm instead.  Oh you know just almost twice as much. No biggie. Well, I guess it's a biggie because they had to cut different/more muscles and there's just plain a bigger hole in the back of my head (don't worry they filled it in with cement...now I can be like Charlie Brown and be a real block head haha).  

So anyway, this recovery has not been the pretty easy recovery that we originally thought.  Yes, I knew it would hurt and be confining, but I thought it would be beginning to lift by now.  My doctor gave me a prescription for NINE more weeks of pain meds.  Nine. Like, I might need that. And he said to let him know if I need more. He flat out said he has no idea how long this will take to be healed. Um yeah, I don't think so buddy.  I don't even take tylenol when I have a headache!  

So I decided yesterday that I was done with the meds and all the dumb side effects (there are a trillion and I have half of them).  Yeah that went well.  I was a ball of crying goo on my bed until Christian made me take more medicine. He's a good man, that Christian Slye. So we are going to go down to half pills and hope I can grin and bear it.  Those stairs in my house though, whoo boy!  Those are tough are though man. I've always loved living in a two story house cause it makes my legs look good (vain moment) but these days not so much. 

Sorry for the bummer of a post but I owe you guys an update and I am not going to lie to your cute cyber faces.  This stinks.  

I am still thankful that my babies are well and healthy.  

I am still thankful for friends and for family and food and a house to live in and a job that Christian can work his tooshy off at so we can eat and a sweet church family.

And so much more!

But I'll be honest.  

Today I want a regular head that does hurt every time I breathe. 

Today I want my mommy. 

Today I want to stay home with my husband and just cry and pray and wait for four more months to pass (that's the soonest date they're giving us).  

Today I want to get back in bed and sleep and hope like Aurora to awaken when all has been made right. (Are my Disney roots showing there a little?)

And today I read this:

I am reading in Genesis 37.  Joseph was being a smarty pants and told his brothers about his dreams.  Then his dad sends him along to check on the boys (smart thinking there daddy-o) and the brothers decided to put an end to Joseph's dreams.  They decide to kill him but then later put him in slavery and figure that's the end of that. But it wasn't. Gods plans are too big.  He is too great of a God.  

What does this have to do with me?  Well, I feel a bit like I'm in that pit, useless to anyone, unwanted, unneeded.  (Sorry, I told you Funshine Bear wasn't making an appearance in this post). 

You see, I feel like Jesus has given me dream and visions.  Like straight up real ones. Crazy ones.  But I'm over here in a pit.  Crying like a whiney baby (not like the cute little one that Courtney and Micah just had but like the wailing won't stop annoying kind).

If I've been given dreams  and visions and callings then what am I doing in a bed with a 4cm hole in my skull watching the world go by me.  And (here's some crazy honest Jo) why does it HURT SO MUCH!? I'll be honest here guys, I am in some pain. 

But the Lord spoke sweetly to me (okay, He had to holler to be heard over my caterwauling) That pit is not forever. And the pit is a step to the place where Jesus gets the glory.

Will I walk into the pain that will bring Him glory?  Would I NOW, knowing all the ACTUAL pain, because we all know there's a difference, would I NOW walk into this?  

I'm not afraid to die or even have cancer.  I'm most afraid to be unable to help those who need the touch of Jesus. Will I walk into even that if that is where His steps take me?  Will I sit in a pit and let Him be God and do His thing and stop charging Him around?!? I am so stupid at times.  Okay, a lot of times but that's not the point. 

The point is, Jesus kept His promise to meet me in the operating room. I firmly believe he met my doctor there too.  I don't know how but he was different afterwards. Jesus has given us all we need.  I just have to quit crying in the pit. 

 Looks like there's a long road that might be ahead.  Anyone want to road trip with me?

All I know is that I heard my enemy say this morning, "let's see what becomes of those dreams now?" And I don't want him to win.  Cause he stinks. I'm not even sure I'm making sense.  I'm in a lot of pain and I've heard that can affect things.  I should just press erase. I already have once.  

But I need you guys.

And I think we need each other. I think we are each in a pit of some form or another: a wayward child, a child with cancer, a marriage falling apart, a relationship with something we love severed, wherever we are.  It's our pit. And it stinks. And it's lonely. But we are not alone. We have Immanuel, which means "God with us." He is there with us!  

And our pit it not pointless. Read the rest of Jospehs story. Each moment is pivotal.  Each movement changes and affects things and brings about the most beautiful ending. We just have to get to the ending. We just have to not give up. We just have to not give in the to enemy's lies that the dreams God has given won't come true.  Believe in your Jesus today. Even from the bottom of the pit. 

And we have each other. These pits aren't forever.  My head will heal and I will get to see people again and hug them for Jesus (I miss that most, just being WITH people and loving them and giving them coffee and cookies in the name of Jesus). 

Someday, we will step into the dreams that He has given each one of us, to foster a child, to love an unbelieving family member, to again hold the baby that you lost.  Jesus is a dream giver AND a dream fulfiller.  

Please pray for me to hang on to these truths today okay? I think we all need them. 

A little family/movie postoperative recovery time. These kids are so great to me!

Rejoice Greatly!

Well, after months of not knowing what was going on or which direction we would be taking to address these crazy medical concerns, tomorrow is the day of surgery.  It's a different surgery than I was expecting, and I am super grateful for that!  I think preparing myself for something as crazy as open heart surgery has really helped me to not totally freak out over this.  A hunk of my skull? About 4 weeks until I feel like doing things? A gnarly headache for up to two months?  That is a piece of CAKE compared to a year until I am 100% like they promised me after open heart!  I've spent most of my time stoked over the way things have turned out, and I think that was okay.

This week, however, I started to get scared. 

Just being real, here.  I mean, just because it's not open heart surgery doesn't mean it isn't a major surgery!  This is my head we are talking about here!  The tumor is in the skull bone and is currently obeying the "rules" of bone, which means it is growing very much like a bone would and is very hard like bone.  It also means that it is staying inside the bone and has not traveled into the brain at this point.  It is placing pressure on the brain, but not too bad at this point.  Removing it will help with the pressure and hopefully a whole host of other things.  So yay!  Except that when I spoke with my doctor this week he informed me that one of the side effects of cutting into the bone is that sometimes people end up with permanent worse headaches.  

That one kind of threw me.  

A 4-5 inch long patch of hair missing?  I'm cool with that.  I've got a hubs who loves me and a God who designed hair to grow back.  A few weeks of feeling pretty awful?  No biggie, Jesus can handle that one for me.  

A chance of permanent WORSE headaches?  Um, yeah, that one sort of bothers me.

I know that my Jesus is still in control.  I know that He has a plan and that He loves me and that if I end up with these worse headaches He will have a beautiful plan in that too.  I know a ton of the right stuff with my head.  If I could just convince my worried nauseated stomach I'd be grand.  

Then this morning I read this:

And I just knew that The Lord was speaking THIS to ME!

I felt like He said specifically, 

"Rejoice greatly in the face of this scary surgery because I, your loving, powerful, able, caring King, am COMING TO YOU to meet you THERE, in the fear, in the pain."

Honesty alert here: I really don't like it when I feel my trust shaken.

I mean, who does right?!? But still, I hate it when I know all of the right stuff to say or do but I just can't shake the worry or fear.  That's why I am loving this word for me for this situation so much right now!  He is not saying pull it together Jo.  Get with it.  Suck it up. Don't you trust me?

No.  Instead he is saying, rejoice in Me.  I AM COMING.  Rejoice in that and I will bring the rest of it to pass perfectly.

Some days I need to really see how in control God is.  But it's not a complete picture of His power until I see that I have none of my own.  As I face this surgery, which includes 3 hours in the operating room, the rest of the day in ICU ("just in case" my doc said...who likes to hear "just in case"? Ha!) and then one night overnight as long everything goes well, I am nose to nose with my inability to do ANYTHING.  

But I CAN cling to His promises!  And this morning He has promised to meet me THERE, in the surgery, in the possible complications, in the recovery room, in my life!  And He keeps His promises.

So tomorrow morning I show up for a CT scan at 6:30 where they will shave part of my hair and put a stitch in the skin and then be able to use the ct scan like a navigator of old days would use the North Star and his star charts and know exactly where to make his incision. Crazy cool, huh? (Ps talking about that makes me want to watch Prince Caspian or some movie about ships on the sea) My surgery will begin at 8:30 am and I promise that Christian will update Facebook with how things are going. Thank you so much to everyone that is praying!!!  

Oh and please pray for my doctor!  His name is Dr. Malamed and we are pretty sure he is not a believer.  He is super nice and very skilled and we had a total peace about this the moment we met him, but he isn't saved.   So please pray for him to also meet my King in that operating room and recovery room too okay?  We KNEW when we met the guy for the very first time that Jesus wants to do something awesome with him so yeah, please just pray for him.  Thank you everyone!

Oh and also thank you everyone for praying for our Christmas celebration and for the gifts and verses and kind words of encouragement and for the Christmas dinner and just so many blessings!  We are feeling like princesses and princes over here, sons and daughters of a great King.  Thank you for letting Him use you to lift us up.  It was a very sweet day!