As I read, it just echoed into the deepest parts of my fears and hurts and anxieties and insecurities.
Even though...
Even though my head has a huge hole in it;
even though this has been the second loneliest season of my life since I came to know Jesus;
even though my head is getting worse and not better and I may need to have the surgery redone;
even though my heart aches for the family and friends that I have scattered across the country;
even though there are heart aches and bruised emotions and difficulties that seem to try to sweep me away in the flow of uncertainty...
I will not fear.
It is a CHOICE. I get the choice to say even though these crazy things are happening, I will not fear. Why? Because
GOD IS MY REFUGE, STRENGTH, AND HELP
Even though things get gnarly, I'm okay because the Lord is on my side and He is so very good to me. He promises
strength when I am weak,
beauty when I am ugly,
gladness when my soul wants so desperately to mourn.
I just have to look up from my circumstances and choose to see his face, choose to see his blessings. Because they are there. I read an article the other day saying that we as Christians shouldn't use the term "I'm blessed," in response to the beautiful things going on in life because then we are saying that if life isn't beautiful then we aren't blessed. But that isn't true! I am blessed if things are good and I am blessed if He counts me worthy to suffer for his name sake. Every single day is a gift, a blessing from His throne that I get the privilege to pick up and enjoy.
To be honest, there are days where I choose instead to pick up self-pity or weariness or I'm-just-so-over-this-ness.
But He is teaching me, slow and steady, to chill and trust and find the beauty in the day. And there is so much beauty in the everyday!
The kids have been awesome. Homeschool has been taxing but so fabulous! I really missed getting to be so involved with them for two months of their school year! Abigail is taking a standardized test as we speak at the elementary school near us which is crazy but also awesome. Pray for her okay? She is so nervous just because it's such a big test and she's out of her comfort zone. She tests all this week. But anyway, life at home has been so sweet.
Church is also fantastic. We have such a sweet group of people that care about each other and want to serve and love and worship Jesus and it is just so sweet to see them gather.
My health? My head? My heart? Well, here's that update I promised. It gets a bit confusing so I have to be long winded so I am not offended if this is the part of the post where you jump ship. But just so that it's all written down in a clear manner, here goes nothing.
My head is not better. I am still in a lot of pain and there are two different kinds of pain. We saw my neurosurgeon and he thinks that there are two possibilities of what is wrong. Both require another surgery. One surgery would be to clean up scar tissue that is most likely pushing the wire mesh or a screw up out of my skull. That will eventually need surgery because it is causing lumps in the skull that are pushing out and will break through the skin. The other issue is that I am just plain in a ton of pain if I don't take any medicine. After describing it to him, he thinks that there's a good chance that the material they put in there to reconstruct my skull with is irritating the leathery protective layer of my brain. So the only way to fix that is to reopen to skull, drill everything out and try again with another material. There is also the slight chance that because of my heart problems, I'm just healing slower than normal people. Let's all pray for that option, okay? He gave me another month to make improvement.
As far as my heart, I have four more tests next week but the general consensus is that my heart problems are contributing to all of my issues but they aren't the underlying cause of them. Which is good and it's also bad because I'm still dealing with crazy shortness of breath and heart craziness and dizziness and numbness and all kinds of stuff.
However, Jesus led us to an immunologist (awesome God story there) and we have heard back from the testing they ran. Turns out I'm genetically mutated! Haha! Okay so here's what they told us.
1. I am super crazy low on B-12 vitamin. Like less than half of what I should be. The low b vitamin all by itself can cause severe fatigue so that's part of an answer.
2. Since I eat pretty crazy healthy, the fact that I'm deficient in B vitamins is a sign that I have Leaky Gut Syndrome. That basically means my body is up taking things before it should so I can't get the nutrition from my food that I need and also gives me the potential to uptake bad stuff into my bloodstream which causes other issues. He is going to give me vitamin b shots and then check my levels again in six weeks and then address the leaky gut thing at that time.
3. I have a gnarly allergy. I took a skin test and came up clear but my blood draw came back very positive. Like my levels should have been a 40 IgE and instead they were 460. So I have a hidden allergy somewhere that could definitely be the cause of my heart palpitations and breathing trouble. So they're doing a deeper testing for that, but that's also a partial answer.
4. I have two genetic mutations that are affecting the way my body deals with inflammation. Which in a nutshell means that when my body has an issue and calls for some T-cells to come hook it up with a bit of inflammation, my body goes crazy overboard and gets way TOO inflamed. So you and I both get a head cold and you get the cold and I get a sinus infection and a double ear infection that won't go away for a month no matter what I do. That actually makes a ton of sense because I've dealt with that my whole life. It's also way random so if I my body calls for inflammation in my wrist, my body will send a whole bunch of inflammation wherever it wants to, like in my knee. So of that could be a possible partial answer too. That one however is not fixable.
So we are looking into the leaky gut and allergen thing because that will really help things and I'm going to take some supplements for the t-cell thing and just try to get back to life. Because it looks like life just may move slower for me than it used to. And that's okay. There is beauty in that too.
Even though I am genetically mutated and deficient and leaky,
even though my life may always be different,
even though I may have to repeat this gnarly surgery,
even though the whole world seems to be coming apart at the edges (like geopolitically, not personally, cause my life way rocks)
I WILL NOT FEAR
I choose to trust, apart from feelings. And you know what? I've had more peace in that choice than I have in the last month. Nothing has changed except the direction of my gaze. I've got that Dominic Balli song in my head
"Keep my heart humble, kept my gaze high.."
That's the cry of my heart. Lord keep me humble and eyes turned toward the face of my Savior who is coming back for me but is also dwelling with me, my Immanuel. What a sweet God He is to come and dwell with me in my muck and mire and pull me up and clothe me with His righteousness and peace and mercy and grace and LOVE! Ah! It's so overwhelmingly beautiful!
So let's look at the difficulties in life and say together with excitement "Even though....!"
you are in my prayers sweet girl...and you could NEVER be ugly! Your soul shines :)
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