He Will Meet Me

Well this week has been a roller coaster for sure.  Things have gotten a bit gnarly around here with our health and it's been just plain DIFFICULT.  Sorry for the downer of a beginning but I promise it gets better.  Stick with me for a minute okay? 

So, more research while I'm waiting for my follow up with the immunologist has shown that this genetic mutation is kind of a big deal. I have two separate ones that are both doing different damage and I can't really do much about it. I can take supplements to boost my antioxidants but really the issue is that my body doesn't clear away inflammation as it should. It also doesn't clear my body of toxins the way it should. Oh and I can't process chemicals in my body like serotonin and dopamine and all kinds of other stuff. And this is on the cellular level. Every single cell in my entire body has this problem wired in to it.  Then there's all the horrific stuff that happens as you get older if you have this defect: Parkinson's, Alzheimer's, MS, pulmonary embolisms, blah blah, blah.  Really it's so uplifting to read about.  I'm at this place where I am taking a break from looking further into it though.  I need a break from trying to figure things out. If I really believe God is in control, then I should be able to step away from this for a few days. 

Seth has also taken a turn for the worse in his health. He's always been a bit like me, first to get sick, stay sick longer, intolerant of certain foods.  Well, his IBS is crazy acting up this week.  We had taken him to get tested for true food allergies a couple of weeks ago and they called me Friday to say that they couldn't discuss it over the phone but to absolutely stay away from CARROTS (yes I said carrots.  Weird right?) and fish and peanuts and tomatoes and tree nuts and limit gluten. And she said the rest of the foods we could talk about when we come in. Well, considering that I had JUST given him a giant carrot juice the day before and a bunch of carrot sticks ( they're his favorite vegetable) and then followed that up with trail mix, it was now not surprising that he had a tummy ache and threw up that night. Well, pray for him because he has had a rough few days. He hasn't been able to eat much but it's not the flu because no one else is sick and he has no other symptoms and it started directly after the high contact with those foods he is crazy allergic to.  Sigh. 

So, the last few days, I have literally just been crying and trying to get a glimpse of the face of my Jesus. Because intellectually, I know the right answers. In fact, I've given myself strong biblical counseling all week!  But honestly, it has felt hollow.  I'm not trying to be disrespectful to my awesome Jesus here, because He rocks.  But MY heart was off. And I could feel it.  

It felt so much like when I was wandering through post parthum depression and I would read my Bible and pray but the fog and the haze just wasn't lifting. Like, I was standing there with my staff ready to part the Red Sea of depression! and it was just staying a regular old sea.  And I couldn't figure out why my faith wasn't enough to get the job done.  I'm not saying these are good things to think, just being honest about the deep places of my heart.  But as the weeks went by, He did the lifting.  He did the miracle.  Not in my timing but in HIS.  And He pulled me up out of there!

Yesterday I reached that breaking point of "I can't handle all of this!"  Everything I feed Seth hurts him and he just cries. And I don't even have a full list of things he can eat. He's lost weight noticeably in the last few days. I know I also have some major allergies that they won't be able to give me the details about until APRIL 9TH. APRIL 9TH!!!  That's three weeks away!  And eating foods I'm allergic to causes inflammation in my body and my body can't clear it so it just does more damage and it's just this cycle of frustration. My head feels awful still because my body has trouble healing. It just always will. And so, in a fog of frustration I just gave up yesterday and cried. 

Why don't I get to the giving up point FASTER!?!?!

But you know what?  THERE WASNT ANY RED SEA-PARTING GOING ON!!!

I reached the end of me. I gave up. And I did not feel better. The fog did not lift. I didn't suddenly feel giddy about Gods promises for me. 

But I did find the strength to keep hanging on. Like we read this morning if you're in the one year bible, simeon was chillin WAITING for the promise that God had given.

 Just because he obeyed well and was waiting doesn't mean God was all "here, let's just do this now since you've been so good."  No way!!! God had a perfect time table and Simeon was just waiting to meet the Lord...in HIS TIMING.

We have to retrain our minds. It's not that if we do enough of the good stuff God says to do, then He will come and make things right.  No. He has a plan to make all things right, but it is independent from our works.  So why continue to do the good things?  Because it keeps us close to his presence in the waiting. I just think of Simeon...would God have kept his promise to let him see the Christ child before his death if he hadn't been in the temple waiting?  I believe the answer is yes. God would've tracked Simeon down to keep his promise. BUT, as Simeon chose to wait in the temple, he got the BLESSING OF THE PRESENCE OF GOD WHILE HE WAITED FOR THE PROMISES OF GOD TO COME AND MEET HIM.

And I felt like Jesus met me this morning too. 

This just jumped off of the page and began to sing a melody into my soul that I've been straining to hear for weeks!

He is my strength.  My God of mercy SHALL COME TO MEET ME.  

That's the very thing He promised at the beginning of all of this surgery nonsense, before I even knew how messed up my body really was.  AND HE IS REMINDING ME THAT HE KEEPS HIS PROMISES!!!

Do I wish that it was never a struggle to get up and crack open the most awesome love letter ever written to mankind?  Of course!  But sometimes it is. 

And here's my point to all of this:

  I am finding that, just like in that season of post parthum depression, this season isn't going to just lift if I say some magic prayers and do enough right things. Although the good things are good to do, He has a plan I cannot even begin to understand. Doing what is right does not earn me the right to a faster healing!

But there's something even better.  Like with Simeon, as we tarry in His presence, we will find that He comes to meet US!

He meets us with

MERCY

LOVE

NEW LIFE

COMPASSION

HOPE

STRENGTH

COURAGE

GRACE

UNDERSTANDING of His character and nature

Soaring on wings like eagles

NEW PERSPECTIVE

And so much more.

So don't lose heart!  DONT GIVE UP!  Don't ever think that it is pointless to keep moving forward. Don't grow weary in well doing for you WILL reap a reward at the RIGHT time (Galatians 6:9).  Keep seeking His face. Keep placing yourself in His presence like Simeon. Like the children of Israel in 2 chronicles 20, walk out to the battle with the worship out front and watch HIM DEFEAT YOUR ENEMIES.  What are our enemies?  Well one is very obvious but what about self-doubt? Insecurity? Fear of the unknown? Fear of doing something that might not work?  Whatever you're facing, I promise you that 

HE SHALL COME TO MEET YOU!

He met me this morning.  Nothing is better. Seth won't get out of bed and I'm praying about how to handle that. My head is some serious pain. The rest of my heart problems and other weird symptoms are still there.

But my heart...oh my heart is so encouraged. Like a warrior after hearing his general give a rousing speech (I have in my mind the battle from The Lord of the Rings when the one dude is talking outside of the gate to Mordor and he's all, "this is not that day!"....sorry, I'm a bit of a nerd, but not enough of a nerd to remember names) I feel like roaring back and lifting my sword in allegiance.  Like a little hobbit who can't do much of anything in a huge battle, I am lifting my sword and roaring with the army of heaven and I feel ready for Him to do the battle that He is ready to win. 

Ps. I can't wait for this little goober to feel better again! Pray for him okay?  Thanks for hanging in there with me!