This week has been a lesson in humility for me.  Things have been going well, really.  The church seems to be growing, a few in number (we have some of the sweetest women coming out and sharing this walk that I feel overwhelmed by the privilege to be a part of this thing) but mostly I feel like we are growing spiritually (not like "check me out I'm SOOOOO growing in the Lord" but like "wow, every day is so full of Jesus and His awesomeness that I can't seem to take my eyes off of Him")  I have never in my life felt more dependent on the Holy Spirit!!!  Everything matters too much to start leaning on us and end up messing up.  I know His grace is sufficient (and dude we have called on that grace daily, hourly, minute by minute for SURE) but we just feel the weight of knowing that Jesus has a call on our lives and we want to be right where He has us.  During our prayer meeting Saturday night I was just so moved by the picture of Him taking me by the hand wherever He wants to go.  Not to plant a church or find a place to settle in but just to walk hand in hand with Him wherever He goes, with childlike faith.  Like Seth when we go to the grocery store....he doesn't usually care where we are going and he certainly doesn't need to see my shopping list.  He is along for the ride and hey if there are samples at Costco all the better!  I want to be like that with Jesus....to stop asking for the shopping list.  I want to stop asking where tomorrows food will come from...He says He will provide....AND HE ALWAYS HAS!  He has never failed!

So everything sounds great, right?  Where's the lesson in humility, you ask?  In my heart!  My heart has been weighed down this past week hard core.  I hadn't been able to put my finger on it, but I just felt weighed down.  My mind was full of thoughts that had me so distracted!  I will be honest here and not sugar coat it, so skip the rest of this post if you want to not think less of me haha.  My mind was full of thoughts about how badly my hair needs a haircut and thus I look gross.  Why cant I pull off cute bangs anyway??? Do people at church like me, like for reals like me?  Will I ever get a chance to catch up on schooling the kids and housework and actually find some time for that sewing project that has been taunting me on my sewing cabinet all week?  Will anyone remember my birthday?   My mind was full of thoughts about ME!!!!  Okay world wide web....you now know the yuck of my heart.

As I sat and asked the Lord "what in the world is wrong with me???" I started to notice that nothing was wrong really.  Christian made two bonuses this week and I got to make a trip to Costco.  The kids are doing awesome at school.  Christian and I are doing great! We have sweet people at our church (and the presence of Jesus most importantly)....so what is my deal?

The deal is.......ME.  I was so focused on ME.  Jesus was doing His thing pouring out blessings and I was going all Israelite on Him....you know like the Red Sea thing.  He parted it, got all miracle on them and days later they're whining about water.  Did they just miss the whole miraculous giant powerful GOD thing?  But they did.  They got distracted with the every day cares of this life and it made them forget the character of the God who loved them.  Now me, I wasn't complaining this week about even an every day need....I was whining to myself about just plain JUNK.  Split ends???????  Really Jo?  In light of eternity?  Yikes.  Do people like me and remember me?  I feel so 7th grade typing this out (and I'm not altogether certain this draft will make it to publication) but that is how I felt.  I think there are tons of us that feel this way at times.  But....my identity is in Jesus.  If people like me, then I've got to use that for His glory.  If they don't, well that doesn't change my standing before the Lord in any way.  I need to cling to truth.  I need to make choices about what I spend my time thinking about!

Last week Christian was teaching in Ephesians 4 about putting off the old man and putting on the new...it's all about choices.

He used the example of the closet.  The word used in Ephesians gives the idea of taking off and putting on a garment.  He said you wouldn't take off old stinky clothes, you know the ones you work out in, and hang them back up now would you?  Of course not.  Who wants to walk into a closet full of dirty clothes? Yuck!  But take that a step further.  What if you sat down in poop?  Unless its like your fave dress ever (and you've got a strong stomach) then you're going to be like me and throw that dress away.  WHY?  Because it is gross!  And who keeps gross stuff in their closet??? You've got to toss the gross stuff and choose to walk in there and put on the beautiful stuff.  The Lord has challenged me as I thought this through.  Yes I need to toss the ugly stuff.  Like a 1980's neon middrift sweater (yes I know they are back...I just cant pull it off) I need to toss out lying and evil speaking and for sure I don't want to keep murder or stealing in my closet haha.  But what about the stuff I have grown out of?  It wasn't that ugly, it just doesn't fit anymore.  I recently lost 30 pounds (well in the last year...thank you broken gall bladder) and it was so funny when I went to go put on leggings this winter...they were so not the right size or look for me anymore...I was swimming in them haha!  Want to know what I did with them?  I folded them up, put them back and picked something else to wear.  What a dork!  They don't fit me anymore...I don't particularly want them to fit me anymore...why did I keep them???

 I feel like the Lord is begging me today to clean out the closet of my heart...to toss the stuff that doesn't fit anymore, behavior that I have grown out of (or at least I should have by now).  To be secure enough in Him to not need to find my identity elsewhere.  I need to toss fear of rejection (that one has been plaguing me my entire life).  I need to toss the tendency to compare.  So much more.

But also I need to a thorough purging of what doesn't look nice no matter who you are....those spiritual high rise bell bottom pants (I apologize if you are the 1% of the population who looks good in those)...selfishness...laziness...a give-up attitude (I am the worst warrior ever).

My sweet friend Christy Duff did an UHmazing study on this last year and I am still hearing Jesus speak through her in my mind.  If you want to listen it is archived on Calvary Chapel Vistas website.  (click on Calvary and it should scoot you over there...I am new to this whole link blog technology 21st century thing) But basically its like this (go listen to her really...she's way better at this than I am):

I have been given EVERYTHING I need for life and godliness.  Notice the past tense there?  It's not something I am in the process of earning.  It has been DONE.  But I have to choose to put it on.  I think of my daughters closet.  She has all of these great clothes that my cousin just bought her from Gymboree.  They all color coordinate and man they are CUUUUUUTE.  Also mixed in there are her favorite/AWFUL shirts that I just cant seem to get out of her closet  (Ive tried to make those shirts "pajama shirts" so that I am not quite so mean and just throw them away but they always sneak right back in).  So her closet is full of all of these great articles of clothing.  She did nothing to earn the clothes.  Her behavior during the previous day will not UN-earn her the cute clothes.  They are there waiting in her closet, apart from worth or merit, ready to be worn in all their cute-ness.  What an awesome picture right!?!  Jesus has given to me, apart from worth and merit, all kinds of awesomeness!  But I still have to choose to put them on.  I have to make the choice to peel off my nasty clothing of the old man and put on His gifts to me (they even coordinate, just like my daughters clothes hee hee I love analogies).  Christy's message threw me when I first listened to it...you mean I don't have to be driven by my feelings, other peoples silliness, or my special week of the month?  I have a choice in that??? OUCH!  But it is so freeing at the same time because Im not bound to my old man.  My King has given me a closet full of cute coordinating articles to put on......so today I choose to put off self-focus.  Today I choose to put off the fear of rejection.  Today I choose to put off the ugly ill-fitting old Jo and instead wrap His righteousness around me (and hope for a good hair day haha!  Just kidding!  Well, mostly just kidding :))  Anybody out there ready to be clothed in Him, too?

p.s. whiney-pants was not forgotten on her birthday by the way.  I have some of the sweetest friends and got spoiled with a box of goodies, gift cards, my favorite ice cream (strawberry frozen keifer....YUM) and so many sweet hugs and blessings.  I'm so dumb when I'm all self-focused!  Thanks everyone for making my birthday so absolutely special.