Shepherding my Soul

So today is the big day. Well, the fourth big day, actually. Surgery number four! Fun times over here. We just got to the hospital and they told us that the prosthetic bone piece is not actually at the hospital so instead of a 9:20 surgery it will be a 12:40. That's an inconvenience for sure but not the end of the world.  At first we were looking at having to wait for surgery until the end of August so I am just grateful that it is a couple of hours and not a couple of weeks delay.  

Today they will go in and make room for the prosthetic piece of bone that they had custom designed for my head. They will put in some metal plates (I'll be a real metal head! Haha!) and then screws to hold the piece in place and hopefully it will be a quick procedure. About two hours or so. I should be in the hospital anywhere from 2-5 days. Easy peasy. 

Except not easy peasy. I am petrified. I am absolutely terrified. No one knows better than me after three surgeries what to expect after the fourth. I am in for a lot of pain and after it eases I will still need medication and not be able to resume any level of normalcy for 4-6 weeks. There's always the chance of worse pain than when I began. And staph. Yeah staph stinks. And this whole week I have just been quietly panicking inside. 

I don't want to do this. 

I can't seem to find a way that I can get out of it but I don't want to do this.  I want to just be done with the pain and the difficulties and just have a normal skull. I intellectually understand that isn't possible but still my mind is rejecting this with all it's might. The way you must force yourself not to step back from a very high cliff's edge, I must make myself stare into the face of this surgery even though my body and mind are raging against it. 

Sorry to be negative. I truly know all the "right" things to say and feel.  But sometimes the reality of the situation comes barging into our doctrine and we are forced to reexamine. 

I've done a lot of that. And it's been good.

The thing that has stuck out to me this week is how good Gods word is. It is a beautiful anchor to the soul, just like Hebrews promises. It has kept me from capsizing in this storm and I am so thankful for it.

Yesterday I had this imagery in my head of a shepherd and his sheep up on the hills.  The shepherd uses his sheep dogs to help herd the sheep away from the edge of dangerous cliffs and towards those proverbial still waters. They help the shepherd keep the sheep safe and going in the right direction. 

And it hit me!  God is my shepherd. For sure. He is looking out for me and loves me and has my best interest at heart. But the imagery that really stuck out to me were those sheep dogs. I feel like God's word  is like those sheep dogs. As I read and receive words from His word that are for me for this time, they act like those dogs, keeping from the dangerous cliffs of doubt and anger, guiding toward the still waters of His peace and refreshment. They won't LET me go the wrong way. Every time I feel like I'm lost, there are my verses, special words for me, that don't let me wallow in self pity and despair.  What a treasure!

Sometimes, honestly, I don't want to be herded.  That pit of despair looks awfully great right now.  That cliff of doubt doesn't look too dangerous. But no, Gods word won't let that happen. He will remind me of His word as I begin to stray towards the edge and He won't let me go.  His word will keep me safe. 

I could get into the reason why each of these verses is special to me for this season but that's not the point. The point is, He is shepherding me with His word.  And He promises to do the same for you. 

Some of these I mined out myself.  Some were given. Some were words spoken in times of worship.  But regardless of how they came to me, they are mine.

And so I challenge you, do you let Gods word shepherd you?  Do you receive a word fitly spoken by our Savior into your life?  It isn't easy. It's easier to feel sorry for yourself. Trust me, I know. But not in the long run.  In the long run it is better to stay following the Shepherd who knows where the peace and joy is.  So yeah, those are my jumbled, lack of sleep, pre-op thoughts. Hope it makes sense. Thank you for praying for me and for everything!  You guys have been amazing on this journey.

Trusting and Waiting

Sometimes I love how the word of God can meet us wherever we are at.  Each day it can speak with fresh vision and direction in our lives because it isn't a collection of dead words but a living and active word that speaks and and cuts to the heart. Like a surgeons scalpel, it can cut down deep to the root of the problem and scrape out what is slowly but surely killing our spirits and give room and space to grow healthy new tissue and allow us to thrive.  It is a beautiful thing. 

To be honest though sometimes I don't love how it speaks to me.  Isn't that an ugly thing for a woman who loves Jesus to say!?!  But it's true.  Sometimes His word speaks and I am given beautiful promises and I am overwhelmed by joy.  Sometimes He speaks and I am told to stay put and let his timing play out and TRUST HIM.  A gentle rebuke, but a rebuke nonetheless.

Usually, I even enjoy the rebukes.  I mean, the God of the UNIVERSE I talking right to me...who am I to complain about what He says.  And the rebukes, well, they're like that sweet friend who will tell you that you have a booger on your face.  It's embarrassing and hard to hear, but hey at least you can go clean your face, right?

Well, lately, the rebukes have been less easily received by my yucky sinful heart.   I keep hearing that He has His timing, I need to stop looking at my own situations and see things from His side of heaven, that I may not understand now but I will declare in the end that "He ONLY does marvelous things" like the Psalmist does.  Stuff like that.  

And that's been hard to hear.  

Because I sorta just want a time out, a break, a vacation from the pain.  But things keep getting more and more gnarly!  But He keeps speaking the same things to my heart. And I am left to choose whether to follow my Jesus or not.

Of course I want to follow my Jesus!!!

But it's truly a minute by minute battle.  As I sat in the hospital this week, I swung back and forth between completely freaking out and complete trust. It was strange how there was no in between.  I was totally losing it and crying my eyes out in fear and doubt or I was completely okay and smiling at the nurses and telling THEM that I was going to be just fine and it would all work out.  I'm thankful that the majority of the freak out moments were during my alone time in my room. Hopefully I didn't leave anyone thinking that Jesus is less than fabulous.  

But that's my struggle. I know the truth.  I BELIEVE the truth.  But in the middle of the pain, it is hard to feel the truth or even want to see it.  

Like in today's One Year Bible reading, I was totally blown away.

1 Kings 17 says

Man! I just FELT for Elijah here!  The Lord has told him to go sit by a river that is drying up and to receive food from a dirty bird (ravens are considered unclean in the law).  How awful!!!  But Elijah obeyed. And as he watched the river dry up a little more day after day, he did not get up and leave. He did not decide that he must have "heard wrong" and take off to find his own way.  He made a choice to sit there in the middle of the desolation and wait until he heard God speak.  And God, well, He didn't make it easy on him.  He waited until the river was completely dried up to give him another move to make.  Elijah must have been freaking out, like really Lord there's not much left here.  

But still Elijah TRUSTED and WAITED until he was given further instructions. 

 Whoa. Ouchie.  That is some stinging conviction right there.

Then later in the chapter

...there's this widow, on the brink of death, just going through her final motions.  But she hears this promise and banks on it, puts her trust in it, leans her full weight on the tightrope that is strung hundreds of feet in the air and begins to walk across. And does that tightrope fail her? Does she fall to her death and despair?  No way!  Gods promises never fail!!!  And as she stepped out in trust, her provision never ran out.   And I felt the Lord speak to me so clearly, "Jo, trust in My words so that you don't run out of sustenance spiritually!"

See!  This is the kind of stuff that I run into all of the time.  Such sweet promises, but alongside of the promises are the need to 

press in, 

keep running, 

keep trusting, 

don't give up!  

But I just want a place to rest my head for a little bit, is that so wrong? 

 Well, yes, if you're caught in quicksand then a tiny moment of rest will in fact seal your fate. 

 So here I am, hearing Jesus speak and I'm so desperate because I know that I can't keep going for even another moment.  That's why I need all of you!  Thank you for praying for me.  I KNOW that it is the prayers of His saints and His grace that is holding me up right now so thank you for being a part of that.

I'll really be leaning on your prayers these next few months too because things this last week got a bit gnarly.  If you opened this post to hear about the One year reading and you don't want to hear my post brain trauma rumblings about my crazy hospital stay, then totally skip this last half.

 It's just going to be a medical update.

So on Monday night last week, I for reals came closer to death than I ever thought I would without actually dying.

A month ago, I had a second surgery on my skull to fix some of the issues I was having from spiky metal things cutting into me constantly. The surgery went really great and at week two I was feeling pretty awesome. A few days later I started to have a pain deep in my neck and I just plain felt worse. Christian checked my incision but since it looked fine and that wasn't even where the pain was coming from, we chalked it up to a set back. And set backs after surgery are totally normal.  

But every day the  pain got a little worse.  Then last Monday I woke up in so much pain that I could not move my head to either side nor could I touch my chin to my chest.  Again, we checked the incision but since it was fine, we decided I must have slept on it wrong.  All day the pain worsened and around noon the incision site began to be a little red.  Over the course of the next 8 hours, it reddened and became raised and grew and all of the fun stuff that clearly spells "infection" so we called my surgeon and he set us up with an appointment for Tuesday morning.  Honestly, the infection looked small so he thought it could wait.  But I felt super uncomfortable so we called Christians dad who has been a registered nurse for over thirty years and asked him what to do if the spot opened during the night to keep it clear from bacteria until my appointment late in the day. 

We also sent him a picture.  

He took one look at it and told Christian that I needed to go to the ER IMMEDIATELY.  He said not to wait even an hour. He explained that because of how close it was to the hardware of my brain covering, it was incredibly important to be seen right away. If the non-organic material becomes infected then they would have to drill out all of the covering over my brain and start over again. So he said to get in right away before it could reach the hardware.

Well, we showed up and they sent me straight to a room at the ER and the doctor came in and examined it and very calmly explained that he would be back very soon and don't move.

That was when I knew something serious was wrong. When doctors go get more doctors in the ER, usually things are a bit wrong at the least. 

He came back and said I did in fact have a serious infection. He explained that best case scenario, it is a superficial infection and limited to the surface skin.  Worst case scenario, it is deeper and that would be much different so let's not talk about what we would do until we know more. (It's always scary when the doctors say let's deal with that when we get there...)

He sent me for an MRI and a CT scan and they came back showing that there were deep pockets of infection in multiple places, but thankfully it had not yet settled in my brain. Once it settles in your brain, it is very difficult to get out and the mortality rate is very high. They had already called in a neurosurgeon and operating team and the surgeon came in to explain that although the brain had not yet been compromised, it could happen at any moment, so they were going to do surgery right then at 2:30 in the morning.  

I was kind of eerie.  I've never seen the operating room before because they always put you to sleep in the pre-op room. But there was no time for that so I kissed Christian and they wheeled me into the room and I sat there waiting for someone to put me to sleep. I remember looking around at the table and the boxes of medical supplies and wondering if they would forget to put me to out.  They didn't forget, praise the Lord.

I came out and hour and a half later, alive, no infection in my brain, and a huge hole in my skull.  They ended up having to take out the compromised hardware so they drilled out everything that had been put in by my surgeon before and then extra because the bone cement was a little farther over than the original hole.  So I have a hole over 4cm, closer to 5cm most likely, in the back of my head.  They left my brain open and vulnerable because they had to allow my brain to drain the excess fluid around the meninges (the covering over the brain) and until the infection is completely cleared, they can't put another covering over it or they will sort of seal the infection in and that would have to be removed and start all over again.  The majority of the infection settled into my neck instead of my brain (praise God) so it was less deadly there, but they had to scrape away a lot of neck tissue. They explained that it would be very painful for a very long time because of how much they had to scrape away. 

So I showed up in ICU with a hole in my skull and a drain line out of the back of my head (they called it a brain drain) and I was told that I cannot put ANY amount of pressure on the back of my head.  Because of where my skull is missing, my occipital lobe is extremely vulnerable. Any pressure at all can cause immediate blindness as well as swelling in my brain and other stuff that goes along with that.  I didn't hear much past "you'll go blind" to be honest.  

Infectious Disease came back and confirmed that I had a gnarly staph infection that had taken over.  My ICU nurse commented that I owed my father in law an awfully great gift this Father's Day because he had most likely saved my life.  I was sort of shocked by that. I asked her if she meant I would have died if we hadn't listened to him and she said yes probably. Whoa. That's kinda crazy. 

I spent five days in the hospital and came home Saturday. I have a follow up appointment on the 27th to have my stitches removed and talk about a game plan. I'm on gnarly antibiotics. If all goes well, I will have to lay on my side for at least one to three months (no pressure on the back of my head, remember). Any time I get out of bed I have an awesome helmet to wear. I'm in the most pain I have EVER been in in my entire life.  If all goes well, after one to three months I will have a fourth surgery to close up the hole in my skull because it is very dangerous to have this open.  So I'm in for months more of pain and surgeries and recovery and difficulty.

But I am trying to choose to look at all of the blessings.

I have an awesome father in law!

The infection had not crossed into my brain

I am able to handle oral antibiotics that make most people barf so badly they have to be on a pic line and do IV antibiotics at home

I have the type of staph that is not resistant to antibiotics

I am home with my favorite people on the planet!  My kiddos are just the best therapy. They love to sit and play Legos while we listen to a bible study in my room. Their company is just healing.

I have a lot of help from people here while Christian is crazy busy with work.

Christian called THAT morning to pay our first months payment with kaiser because it is new insurance and without that, I would not have had a medical record number and things could have gotten dicey. 

There's so much more for sure!  My brain just gets a little fuzzy and I am running out of steam over here. So yeah, there's my update. Pease pray that the infection goes away, that I don't go blind or have complications of having my brain so exposed, that Jesus provides for our bills, that the pain lessens, and whatever else is on your heart.  Thank you everyone for walking through this with me.  It's going to be a longer hike than I originally thought!

A Cloud of Witnesses

Okay, all you awesome people out there, I've got an update and a request.

Update first:

I had my appointment with my neurosurgeon and I am having surgery again. After my original surgery, there was a considerable amount of pain that my doctor did not feel was normal or good. We have tried every non-invasive plan that there is (because I do NOT want to do another surgery) and given it almost 6 months, but the pain is actually becoming increasingly worse with time instead of better.  I had a CT done and it showed that at the surgery sight there is something metallic sticking out of the side of my head in at least two spots.  Even my completely untrained eye could actually see the pieces of metal sticking about an eighth of an inch out of my skull on the scan.  Basically what happened is this: there is a titanium mesh in the hole where my skull used to be that is covered with cement. As my scar tissue formed, it has pushed up the mesh out of place and that mesh is now sticking out of my head. And titanium mesh is sharp. So basically it is continuously cutting the inside of my head against my skull. Like, think splinter but then larger and made of metal.  Yeah so since the pain is becoming so bad, my doctor has said it is time to take care of this because it will not resolve itself and needs to be dealt with. So he says surgery.  Fun times. 

Prayer needs?

Insurance and all of that jazz

Safe surgery and recovery

My poor family that has been functioning with half a mommy

That Jesus will get some crazy awesome glory from this time in the hospital and with the doctor. He and his medical assistant are so sweet and I just want to know what Jesus wants me to say to them in all of this. 

Now here is my request of all of you:

Can you share your Jesus story with me?

I was thinking about Hebrews 12:1-2 and it talks about how because we have such a great cloud of witnesses surrounding us (the hall of faith-ers were just right before this), we have what we need to throw off every weight that hinders us and better run the race of faith that is before us.  And that is so TRUE!!!!  That's one of the amazing benefits of reading that book every single day!  I can get all self focused and then I come across Hannah or Jospeh and I'm all whoa okay just kidding, I'll chill out and thank Jesus instead of all of this whining.

BUT

Then I thought about all of you...

Each of you has a beautiful story of Gods sovereign grace in your life. Some of you, I know the story. But not really.  It's different to hear bits and pieces of the story as we live life together than it is to hear it written out as a story. And I would LOVE to leaf through your stories as I lay in bed recovering from this surgery and seeking to find His face in this beautiful mess!  And even if I know it, I would like to read it again, be reminded of all that He has done. And if we haven't really talked about your story, let's fix that!? I would be so encouraged by that. I would love to just read through the stories and be reminded if how awesome of a God we serve. 

So will you share with me your Jesus story?  Will you be part of that great cloud of witnesses that spurs me on towards my finish line? Long and thought out, short and in a hurry, whatever you've got. Who you were before Christ's transformative power...who you are now...crazy awesome triumphs...beauty from the defeats that He works together for good...I want to read it all. The good, the bad, and the ugly, as it were. If you send me yours, I will do my best to send you mine back. You can email me at joleenslye@gmail.com and I'll try to return as fast as I can. 

Thank you for the thoughts and prayers and the love and hopefully your stories. Thank you for walking through this with me!

Much love from Colorado!

Hardship and Adventure are not Synonyms

I have been incredibly challenged today by John 16:33

"In the world, YOU WILL HAVE TRIBULATION; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."

My daughter asked me today,

"Mommy why is God making you so sick all the time?"

Honestly it's a question that I can't believe she hasn't asked in the last nine months since things escalated so rapidly.  I'm not sure how I have gotten out of having to answer it, and it made me look at myself and see that even though I know the right answers to the question, maybe the dark places of my heart just weren't listening to the truth.

You know, like the disciples who would hear Jesus say I have to be betrayed and killed but I'll cruise over on the third day and we'll chill. He was saying, "It's all good; don't freak out." And then the disciples would ask about who is the greatest or something dumb. And then they tripped out when He died because it was a surprise to them.

They weren't listening even though they could hear. Like my kids when I say clean up your room. Or me when Jesus says He's got this cause He's Sovereign like that. 

So my daughter and I began talking. A lot of times difficulties come just because we live in a fallen world and things here aren't perfect. Like I read in an Elizabeth Elliot book a couple of weeks ago

"Heaven is not here. It is there."

Like, duuUuuh, but still I need to be reminded. 

We also talked about how even the difficulties in life can be beautiful places that Jesus in His wisdom and sovereignty allows because He promises to carry us through and because He sees what beauty He will bring from the proverbial ashes. 

Isaiah 61:3

"He has sent Me to...

Give them beauty for ashes

The oil of joy for mourning,

The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;

That they may be called trees of righteousness,

The planting of The Lord,

That He may be glorified."

My daughter and I snuggled in my bed and talked about the things of beauty that we have already seen Him bring from this place of difficulty. And as I comforted her, I was so comforted myself.  Jesus just wrapped His loving arms around us and spoke peace into the room.  Abigail was no longer scared. Like a trusting child, she does not need to know the details.  She just needed to be reassured of the character of the God we serve. Oh how I long for my faith to be so beautiful someday as that little girls!

So today has been a lot of reflecting.  Psalm 103 kicked my butt this morning. A crazy awesome reminder to "FORGET NOT all His benefits."

So there's been a lot of listing out of blessings.  My body still works enough to be at home and not in a hospital, my children are both well in mind and mostly well in body, I have been able to homeschool even if it is less excitingly fun for the kids, I have an amazing husband who loves Jesus and me enough to spend his days off cleaning our house and batch baking so I can easily reheat food that is safe for Seth to eat, I have a bible (like ten in fact) readily available to me for study any time I wish, I have an iPhone with podcasted bible studies for when my eyes aren't cooperating, I have a nice home with all of the amenities I need and even more, I have a neighborhood full of ministry that comes to my door even when I am sick so that I am not just rotting away in my chair in the corner.....so so so much more but I am boring you by now.

But honestly, the difficulties have been very present in my mind as well.  

My health kind of took a dive this week.  Which, now that I've been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, actually makes sense. I guess it's called a flare up?  All I know is that I can barely walk because I'm in so much pain.  That on top of the intense pain in my head that still hasn't gone away and the chaos with my heart and yeah, things have just been frustratingly DIFFICULT. (Don't ever say I wasn't open and vulnerable with you, okay?)

I've spent more time than I want to describe to the internet on this chair in the corner of the living room.  And I want out!  I want to be done. I want a break from this!  Vacation?  

No matter how I pray though, Jesus keeps speaking the same words to me.  I have something for you in this. Don't give up. It's always too early to give up. Tuck into the shadow of My wings even deeper. This is the secret place of My Presence where I will hide you (Psalm 91:1)

So I feel like every day I am walking in choices.  My body aches so badly that I am literally in silent tears throughout the day. But Jesus is bigger. My son can't make one wrong food choice without curling in a ball on the floor in debilitating pain.  But this place of utter absolute dependence on Him for EVERYTHING is the place where He meets me!  Will I give that up?  Will I trade that in?  (Some days that question would have different answers. I'm glad He is in charge of keeping me where He needs me to be)

So it's been this battle in my mind. REMEMBER all His benefits. Thankfully the rest of Psalm 103 talks about His mercies for when I cheese out and don't remember.  Cause I do in fact cheese out and forget. A lot.

And today as I was reading about a woman's first impressions of coming to Palestine just before the start of World War II, I had one of those lightbulb moments.  She had been so focused on the freedom oh being in her homeland and away from Nazis that the barren wasteland of rifle fire and scorpions in your shoes was a shock.  She had thought only of adventure when the Zionists had said "hardship."

So many of us hear the bible warn of hardship but instead we picture ADVENTURE, happily setting off as if this were a camping trip.  Both ARE certain in this walk with Him, but I think we have confused the two! And the confusion has left us shell shocked when we walk into the battle. 

We get all pumped to go experience the nitty gritty REAL Christian walk, knowing that Jesus promises tribulation in this life.  

But when the trail turns out to be less like the Jungle Cruise at Disneyland and a little more like a battle ground in the dark, we get thrown. We're like whoa, forget this I'm out!

I think when we stop confusing hardship and adventure then we will become more ready for BOTH.  Life is a crazy beautiful adventure with Jesus FOR SURE.  But like Peter said,

"Beloved do not think it strange concerning the FIERY TRIAL which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you...."

Fiery trial doesn't sound like "hey here's a little inconvenience for you".  Most of us are amped and ready for a fiery inconvenience, let's be honest. 

Fiery trial sounds painful and difficult and REFINING.  

Hardship and adventure are not synonyms, and that's okay. It's okay that hardship is actually hard. Jesus knows our frame, that we are dust. So just be aware that hardship stinks but it's good and then we can let Him infuse beauty into the melody of suffering. 

I know for me, that is what this has been. Each of us has different things to go through.  My health struggles, yeah they're like cake for a ton of you out there going through intense stuff.  But no matter what our trial is, we need to maybe get some perspective. 

 This isn't a pleasure cruise through the Carribean. This is war. This is life. This is real. Pack your bags with weapons for protection and with instruments for celebration!  Both will happen! 

And if we can stop confusing tribulation with adventure I think we will all be so much more prepared for what comes and ready to worship regardless of the circumstance. 

And I want to worship regardless of the circumstance. Because He is so very worthy. 

From Strength to Strength

I know it has been a while since I last posted.  Things have been going about the same and I have just been curling into the folds of the robe of our great God and Savior as we weather out this storm.  And I've been a whiney-pants, and who really wants to hear all of that all the time right?  Well thankfully Jesus wants to hear all of my whining so He can turn my gaze upward and fill me with hope.  I am so grateful that He is a caring loving God.

This month, I have been just plain overwhelmed.  I'm still healing at the speed of snail over here.  Slow and steady wins the race though, right?  But with that comes the daily pain that I'm not sure I remember how to live without.  And for reals it is a lot of pain most days.  And that pain has been a struggle to work through for me.  I've been struggling with the "how comes" and the "whys" that go along with it.  Why can't I get better?  Why can't I play with my kids and do the things that I love to do?  Why can't I just sit without my head feeling like there's a light saber sticking through it (can you tell my kids love Star Wars a little too much).  But for reals.  And then it's one thing after another.  Seth got so sick. He's not just allergic to a billion things, but we have been in and out of the doctors offices and pediatric gastroenterologists and immunologists and the kids is a mess.  Daily debilitating GI issues.  Every meal I make is crazy complicated. And he has borderline rheumatoid arthritis.  

ARTHRITIS.  

At age seven. It's an autoimmune version of arthritis which his doctor says makes sense because he has my same genetic defect that makes it very difficult to clear away inflammation and that is a recipe for autoimmune disorders of all kinds. And me?  Well, I'm a hot mess myself.  My biggest concern right now is that there is a very good chance that they will have to redo at least part of my skull surgery. I have until next month to try to improve, but basically the scar tissue has formed weirdly and is pushing one of the four screws in my head out. Like you can feel the screw sticking out of my head. It's crazy. And painful. And eventually it will break through the skin. (I've got a screw loose....HAHAHAHA!) so anyway, fun times. 

And as these things have come up, I've just felt like a surfer caught in the impact zone. I just get a breath and I'm pummeled down again under the surface for some more spin cycle in the washing machine that the ocean has turned into. I've felt a bit starved for air.  And as I prayed, the Lord clearly showed me that 

WHAT I WAS REALLY STARVING FOR WAS HOPE.

Not necessarily hope that one day Seth and I won't hurt anymore. Although that's what I thought I needed. But in that quiet place he whispered to me that what I really needed was HOPE...

HOPE in His grace

HOPE in his mercy

HOPE in His promise to return

HOPE in His promise to work all things together for good

HOPE that this life might include pain but that it is never pain without purpose 

HOPE that this place of pain can be our secret meeting place where he will keep whispering beauty into my life

HOPE in his beautiful crazy awesome bomb character!

HOPE IN HIM

And I sat there and begged Him to give that hope that I didn't realize I even need apart from Him, He has handed it to me.  Nothing is really better. When I left the house this morning to study for women's Bible study, Seth was doubled over in stomach pain. His joints hurt today really bad. My head has hurt worse the past two days than it has in over a month.  

BUT I HAVE HOPE!

And it just reminds me of what my friend was sharing with me this week. Psalm 84 is such a bomb Psalm.  Like go now. Read it. For reals. Go. Then come back. It's worth the read.  The whole thing blows me away every time. It is honestly one of my absolute favorite places in all of Scripture.  But verses 5-7 are what have rocked my world through my friend. It talks about going through valleys of weeping but verse 7 says

"...they go from strength to strength..."

And my friend challenged me in that. We WILL have valleys and mountain top experiences. We know this is true in the Christian walk, right?  But we have a choice:

Do we:

Go from sorrow to sorrow, from valley to valley, is our focus our difficulties to difficulties?

OR

Do we go from strength to strength?

And I was blown away.  Whoa. That is my problem!  When I end up on a mountain top I expect to stay on that mountain top. I expect to live there and never have a valley season. And when I walk through the valley of the SHADOW of death (and I forget it's only a shadow...death can't touch me), I get all wimpy and whiney and feel like I will never again see a mountain top.  Am I the only one that does this?  Hook a sister up with some honesty here please so I know I'm not alone!

BUT what if we choose to look at the way the Lord has designed the Christian walk to look like and accept the mountain tops AND the valleys?  What if we CHOOSE to say that the mountain tops, the strength seasons, are our home?  What if we stop making our home in the valleys of weeping and see it as a step towards His face?

WHAT IF WE GO FROM STRENGTH TO STRENGTH?!?

From beauty to beauty

From whispers of grace to whispers of love

What if we make our home base His strength, His love, His face?  Then we won't be thrown when the circumstances rock us. Like our sweet Savior in the bottom of the boat, we can rest in the storms of life knowing that He will bring us through to the other side.  

Let's go from strength to strength and see His face and find His hope!  

P.s. Thank you so much to each of you that have prayed for us and texted me and messages me and just shown so much love. Your encouragement has meant so much more to me than you will ever know this side of heaven. 

He Will Meet Me

Well this week has been a roller coaster for sure.  Things have gotten a bit gnarly around here with our health and it's been just plain DIFFICULT.  Sorry for the downer of a beginning but I promise it gets better.  Stick with me for a minute okay? 

So, more research while I'm waiting for my follow up with the immunologist has shown that this genetic mutation is kind of a big deal. I have two separate ones that are both doing different damage and I can't really do much about it. I can take supplements to boost my antioxidants but really the issue is that my body doesn't clear away inflammation as it should. It also doesn't clear my body of toxins the way it should. Oh and I can't process chemicals in my body like serotonin and dopamine and all kinds of other stuff. And this is on the cellular level. Every single cell in my entire body has this problem wired in to it.  Then there's all the horrific stuff that happens as you get older if you have this defect: Parkinson's, Alzheimer's, MS, pulmonary embolisms, blah blah, blah.  Really it's so uplifting to read about.  I'm at this place where I am taking a break from looking further into it though.  I need a break from trying to figure things out. If I really believe God is in control, then I should be able to step away from this for a few days. 

Seth has also taken a turn for the worse in his health. He's always been a bit like me, first to get sick, stay sick longer, intolerant of certain foods.  Well, his IBS is crazy acting up this week.  We had taken him to get tested for true food allergies a couple of weeks ago and they called me Friday to say that they couldn't discuss it over the phone but to absolutely stay away from CARROTS (yes I said carrots.  Weird right?) and fish and peanuts and tomatoes and tree nuts and limit gluten. And she said the rest of the foods we could talk about when we come in. Well, considering that I had JUST given him a giant carrot juice the day before and a bunch of carrot sticks ( they're his favorite vegetable) and then followed that up with trail mix, it was now not surprising that he had a tummy ache and threw up that night. Well, pray for him because he has had a rough few days. He hasn't been able to eat much but it's not the flu because no one else is sick and he has no other symptoms and it started directly after the high contact with those foods he is crazy allergic to.  Sigh. 

So, the last few days, I have literally just been crying and trying to get a glimpse of the face of my Jesus. Because intellectually, I know the right answers. In fact, I've given myself strong biblical counseling all week!  But honestly, it has felt hollow.  I'm not trying to be disrespectful to my awesome Jesus here, because He rocks.  But MY heart was off. And I could feel it.  

It felt so much like when I was wandering through post parthum depression and I would read my Bible and pray but the fog and the haze just wasn't lifting. Like, I was standing there with my staff ready to part the Red Sea of depression! and it was just staying a regular old sea.  And I couldn't figure out why my faith wasn't enough to get the job done.  I'm not saying these are good things to think, just being honest about the deep places of my heart.  But as the weeks went by, He did the lifting.  He did the miracle.  Not in my timing but in HIS.  And He pulled me up out of there!

Yesterday I reached that breaking point of "I can't handle all of this!"  Everything I feed Seth hurts him and he just cries. And I don't even have a full list of things he can eat. He's lost weight noticeably in the last few days. I know I also have some major allergies that they won't be able to give me the details about until APRIL 9TH. APRIL 9TH!!!  That's three weeks away!  And eating foods I'm allergic to causes inflammation in my body and my body can't clear it so it just does more damage and it's just this cycle of frustration. My head feels awful still because my body has trouble healing. It just always will. And so, in a fog of frustration I just gave up yesterday and cried. 

Why don't I get to the giving up point FASTER!?!?!

But you know what?  THERE WASNT ANY RED SEA-PARTING GOING ON!!!

I reached the end of me. I gave up. And I did not feel better. The fog did not lift. I didn't suddenly feel giddy about Gods promises for me. 

But I did find the strength to keep hanging on. Like we read this morning if you're in the one year bible, simeon was chillin WAITING for the promise that God had given.

 Just because he obeyed well and was waiting doesn't mean God was all "here, let's just do this now since you've been so good."  No way!!! God had a perfect time table and Simeon was just waiting to meet the Lord...in HIS TIMING.

We have to retrain our minds. It's not that if we do enough of the good stuff God says to do, then He will come and make things right.  No. He has a plan to make all things right, but it is independent from our works.  So why continue to do the good things?  Because it keeps us close to his presence in the waiting. I just think of Simeon...would God have kept his promise to let him see the Christ child before his death if he hadn't been in the temple waiting?  I believe the answer is yes. God would've tracked Simeon down to keep his promise. BUT, as Simeon chose to wait in the temple, he got the BLESSING OF THE PRESENCE OF GOD WHILE HE WAITED FOR THE PROMISES OF GOD TO COME AND MEET HIM.

And I felt like Jesus met me this morning too. 

This just jumped off of the page and began to sing a melody into my soul that I've been straining to hear for weeks!

He is my strength.  My God of mercy SHALL COME TO MEET ME.  

That's the very thing He promised at the beginning of all of this surgery nonsense, before I even knew how messed up my body really was.  AND HE IS REMINDING ME THAT HE KEEPS HIS PROMISES!!!

Do I wish that it was never a struggle to get up and crack open the most awesome love letter ever written to mankind?  Of course!  But sometimes it is. 

And here's my point to all of this:

  I am finding that, just like in that season of post parthum depression, this season isn't going to just lift if I say some magic prayers and do enough right things. Although the good things are good to do, He has a plan I cannot even begin to understand. Doing what is right does not earn me the right to a faster healing!

But there's something even better.  Like with Simeon, as we tarry in His presence, we will find that He comes to meet US!

He meets us with

MERCY

LOVE

NEW LIFE

COMPASSION

HOPE

STRENGTH

COURAGE

GRACE

UNDERSTANDING of His character and nature

Soaring on wings like eagles

NEW PERSPECTIVE

And so much more.

So don't lose heart!  DONT GIVE UP!  Don't ever think that it is pointless to keep moving forward. Don't grow weary in well doing for you WILL reap a reward at the RIGHT time (Galatians 6:9).  Keep seeking His face. Keep placing yourself in His presence like Simeon. Like the children of Israel in 2 chronicles 20, walk out to the battle with the worship out front and watch HIM DEFEAT YOUR ENEMIES.  What are our enemies?  Well one is very obvious but what about self-doubt? Insecurity? Fear of the unknown? Fear of doing something that might not work?  Whatever you're facing, I promise you that 

HE SHALL COME TO MEET YOU!

He met me this morning.  Nothing is better. Seth won't get out of bed and I'm praying about how to handle that. My head is some serious pain. The rest of my heart problems and other weird symptoms are still there.

But my heart...oh my heart is so encouraged. Like a warrior after hearing his general give a rousing speech (I have in my mind the battle from The Lord of the Rings when the one dude is talking outside of the gate to Mordor and he's all, "this is not that day!"....sorry, I'm a bit of a nerd, but not enough of a nerd to remember names) I feel like roaring back and lifting my sword in allegiance.  Like a little hobbit who can't do much of anything in a huge battle, I am lifting my sword and roaring with the army of heaven and I feel ready for Him to do the battle that He is ready to win. 

Ps. I can't wait for this little goober to feel better again! Pray for him okay?  Thanks for hanging in there with me!

Praise sets out first

Oh numbers 9 and 10 are kicking my behind! So much good stuff! But today is an afternoon of sunshine and beautiful babes that fly and skip across my yard so I will be brief.

This:

Numbers 10:14....okay so the Lord has been speaking to my heart about how He leads and how we have to watch and wait for Him.  When the cloud lifts up,we have to move.  If it's lingers long, we have to stay put. Even if it lingers long and we want to move on already (that one hit home hard core) we wait for Him to move. And if He says to move even if it's been a short time, then get up already! There's awesomeness to watch Him do!

Then this morning, this beautiful word.  When the camp packs up, it's the tribe of Judah that packs up first. It goes Judah, then the tabernacle,then the rest.  Why Judah first?  Then it hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks:

Judah means praise. 

PRAISE SETS OUT FIRST

When the presence of the Lord says it's time to move into a new beautiful work (or another beautiful but difficult work) the first thing we are to do is set out our PRAISE. 

I don't know about anyone else but that was a beautiful word for me and so today He brought me to some awesome songs of encouragement and challenge and I sat outside in the sunshine while my kids played and listened to worship music and just enjoyed Jesus. It's been great. My head is killing me and my bathrooms are dirty and my laundry is undone but 

Praise sets out first,

Even when you're just setting out into healing, praise sets out first. There's a few songs I've had on repeat because they just reverberate with truth in my dusty soul and this is one of them:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_JXmKO9Mdbk

Here are the lyrics:

The Becoming 

After the destruction
In the wake of every storm
The sun reveals the suffering
And all I’ve known is gone
Well I can take the rising waves
But when I’m washed up on the shore
Feeling just like driftwood
And nothing makes sense anymore

Jesus meet me
Be everything I need
In the waiting
In the in between
Jesus, hold me
And keep me from running
Cause I don’t want to miss
The beauty of becoming

Something new is growing
I can feel it come alive
In the dead of winter
Spring is on the other side

Jesus meet me
Be everything I need
In the waiting
In the in between
Jesus, hold me
Keep me from running
Cause I don’t want to miss
The beauty of becoming

Give me beauty in the ashes of this pain
Give me water in the wasteland, let it rain
As I wonder, in the darkness, be my guide
Oh Creator Oh Redeemer bring new life

Jesus meet me
Be everything I need
In the waiting
In the in between
Jesus, hold me
Keep me from running
Cause I don’t want to miss
The beauty of becoming

- See more at: http://www.jennysimmons.com/2012/12/19/listen-to-the-title-track-the-becoming/#sthash.t4tulb0B.dpuf

So just in case anyone is wondering what's going on in my heart, there ya go.  My heart is crying out for him to keep me from missing anything beautiful from this painful season.

But I was thinking about how much easier this season has been than others in my life.  It's easy when you have a tumor eating through your skull and threatening your brain to share with others your pain and to ask for help and for prayer.  And because of that I have more support than when things were hard with a family member or a friend or someone from church that was awful to you.  I have more support than when my marriage is struggling and I want to ask for prayer but I don't want anyone to judge me. 

THAT IS LAMESAUCE. 

I need you guys, and we all need each other. So I am begging you to tell me when you need prayer. 

When you want your life to slow down enough to just sit at His feet and worship Him..

When you're overwhelmed at the expectations society has on women and people in general..

When you love your husband but aren't sure you like him..

When you love your kids but you're tired of wiping snot..

When you love your church but hate going because she's there..

When that person in ministry hurts you..

When your job stinks..

When you just plain for no good reason feel ALONE..

Text me, call me, message me, something!  Just because it's not a hole in your head doesn't mean that I don't want to pray for you!  

We are all in the process of BECOMING and we need Jesus to be everything we need. Let's be there for each other okay? We don't want to miss the beauty. 

Ps. This is a tiny bit of the beauty I saw today...my kiddos crack me up. 

Seth declared our front rocks to be his swimming pool and proceeded to cannon ball into it and "swim" all afternoon. I love that kid!